Crime Blotter: Burglar Bottoms Out

In this week's Crime Blotter, a would-be burglar is exposed by the light of the full moon; police in Wisconsin aren't sure if a goat-napper is just kidding around; and a golfer in Washington state apparently has a thing against thongs.

Would-Be Burglar Bottoms Out, Literally

K A N S A S C I T Y, Mo. — A would-be burglar was busted by a full moon — his own.

Kansas City police say a known burglar in the area saw an opening in the side of Clyde's Auto Sales shop late May 25 and tried to enter through the hole.

But the 245-pound man underestimated his girth — he got stuck after he had made it halfway through the hole, police said.

"They need to send him to an 'America's Dumbest Criminals' show," said Detective Kelly Bermond.

The 36-year-old man remained lodged in the hole for approximately eight hours before police were called to the scene.

As if being stuck in a hole wasn't enough, the alleged would-be burglar suffered another indignity: At some point during his captivity, his pants fell down, and he wasn't wearing any Fruit of the Looms — or Hanes.

"Yep, you saw everything," Bermond said. "He was there for quite some time before someone called it in and police were dispatched at about 7:45 in the morning."

The fire department had to be called to free the bare-bottomed man with a chainsaw. He was cuffed, arrested and his pants were pulled up.

The man has told police he was not trying to commit burglary but was trying to find a place to sleep.

Bermond said burglary charges would likely be filed. The man's name was not immediately released because he has not been formally charged.

Goat and Rhymes Goad Police

W A U K E S H A, Wis. — You might say someone really got the police's goat with a bizarre stunt last week — only cops aren't entirely sure the culprit was kidding around.

Police found a pygmy goat tied to a lamp post with a bit of bad poetry that may or may not contain a threat, they said.

The mini-goat was found tied up near a restaurant in downtown Waukesha. Attached to the pole was a note scrawled on the back of an apartment floor plan.

"I stole a goat you [expletive] cops. I stole a goat and dropped it on this block," the message said. "Let it run, let it play. Waukesha cops are really gay. It's just a goat, be glad of that, next time a person, be sure of that."

Waukesha police admit they're not sure what the note is all about.

"I'm hoping it's playful and nothing further develops, but we're taking it serious because of that last comment," said Lt. William Graham, the head of the Waukesha Police Department's criminal investigations division.

Police have been trying to trace the apartment floor plan to a real estate or rental agent, to see if they can identify who might have done it.

"I'd like to identify the person," Graham said. "Then we could talk to him about that last comment."

As for the black and white pygmy goat, police haven't been able to find anyone complaining of having lost one, even though they've sent a teletype describing the animal to every police department in southeast Wisconsin. Graham said that pygmy goats are commonly kept as pets.

"I'd like to get that back to its rightful owner," Graham said. "I hate to see children go without their pets."

Beer-Drinking Golfer Tees Off on Thong-Clad Teen

K E N T, Wash. — High school students A.J. Roulston and Chris Machowski have probably figured out by now that tiny white balls aren't the only thing that golfers tee off on.

Another is young men wearing shiny, gold thong underwear.

At about 7 p.m. on May 20, Machowski was videotaping his classmate roller-skating near the Riverbend Golf Course for a class video project on the pros and cons of steroid use. So that video watchers would be sure to notice him, Roulston was dressed in a skimpy outfit.

Roulston's costume — or lack of one — certainly caught the notice on an unidentified golfer near the course's third hole, police said.

The golfer allegedly put down his beer, began yelling anti-gay slurs and then chased the pair with a 9-iron. The irate duffer caught Machowski, pushed him to the ground and then destroyed the student's $500 video camera with the golf club, according to the police report.

Machowski, who suffered scrapes from the encounter, admitted to the King County Journal that the teen's actions were inspired by Jackass, a discontinued MTV network reality TV show known for its ridiculous — and sometimes dangerous — stunts.

The pair had hoped to use the outlandish images in their project to entice classmates to pay attention to the video's more serious subject matter on debating steroids.

Kent city police officers are still investigating the incident and have confiscated the students' videotape. A decision has yet to be made whether to arrest the golfer.

"The officer did contact the golfer," said Officer Paul Petersen, a spokesman for the Kent police. "He was not physically arrested. We are investigating this as a case of assault and vandalism, against the golfer."

And while the police do have the tape, "The cassette is broken, so we're attempting to find out from our local video experts to see how we can view the tape," Petersen said.

If they find that the tape corroborates the teens' account, "The city will press charge against the offender for whatever crimes are committed," he said.

There are no charges pending against the teens who filed the complaint.

Crime Blotter, a weekly feature of, is compiled by Oliver Libaw.