Crime Blotter: Burglar Bottoms Out

In this week's Crime Blotter, a would-be burglar is exposed by the light of the full moon; police in Wisconsin aren't sure if a goat-napper is just kidding around; and a golfer in Washington state apparently has a thing against thongs.

Would-Be Burglar Bottoms Out, Literally

K A N S A S C I T Y, Mo. — A would-be burglar was busted by a full moon — his own.

Kansas City police say a known burglar in the area saw an opening in the side of Clyde's Auto Sales shop late May 25 and tried to enter through the hole.

But the 245-pound man underestimated his girth — he got stuck after he had made it halfway through the hole, police said.

"They need to send him to an 'America's Dumbest Criminals' show," said Detective Kelly Bermond.

The 36-year-old man remained lodged in the hole for approximately eight hours before police were called to the scene.

As if being stuck in a hole wasn't enough, the alleged would-be burglar suffered another indignity: At some point during his captivity, his pants fell down, and he wasn't wearing any Fruit of the Looms — or Hanes.

"Yep, you saw everything," Bermond said. "He was there for quite some time before someone called it in and police were dispatched at about 7:45 in the morning."

The fire department had to be called to free the bare-bottomed man with a chainsaw. He was cuffed, arrested and his pants were pulled up.

The man has told police he was not trying to commit burglary but was trying to find a place to sleep.

Bermond said burglary charges would likely be filed. The man's name was not immediately released because he has not been formally charged.

Goat and Rhymes Goad Police

W A U K E S H A, Wis. — You might say someone really got the police's goat with a bizarre stunt last week — only cops aren't entirely sure the culprit was kidding around.

Police found a pygmy goat tied to a lamp post with a bit of bad poetry that may or may not contain a threat, they said.

The mini-goat was found tied up near a restaurant in downtown Waukesha. Attached to the pole was a note scrawled on the back of an apartment floor plan.

"I stole a goat you [expletive] cops. I stole a goat and dropped it on this block," the message said. "Let it run, let it play. Waukesha cops are really gay. It's just a goat, be glad of that, next time a person, be sure of that."

Waukesha police admit they're not sure what the note is all about.

"I'm hoping it's playful and nothing further develops, but we're taking it serious because of that last comment," said Lt. William Graham, the head of the Waukesha Police Department's criminal investigations division.

Police have been trying to trace the apartment floor plan to a real estate or rental agent, to see if they can identify who might have done it.

"I'd like to identify the person," Graham said. "Then we could talk to him about that last comment."

As for the black and white pygmy goat, police haven't been able to find anyone complaining of having lost one, even though they've sent a teletype describing the animal to every police department in southeast Wisconsin. Graham said that pygmy goats are commonly kept as pets.

"I'd like to get that back to its rightful owner," Graham said. "I hate to see children go without their pets."

Beer-Drinking Golfer Tees Off on Thong-Clad Teen

K E N T, Wash. — High school students A.J. Roulston and Chris Machowski have probably figured out by now that tiny white balls aren't the only thing that golfers tee off on.

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