Review: Mariah Carey’s “E=MC2”

  Mariah Carey calling her album “E=MC2″ seems about as likely as Jessica Simpson calling an album “3.14″ until you realize that it’s her nauseatingly cutesy way of calling this “The Emancipation of Mimi 2.”  The first title was lunch-tossing enough.  (Pop stars shouldn’t refer to themselves by nicknames in album titles, if you ask me.  It seems rather narcissistic, but then again, we are talking about Mariah.)  The big deal surrounding “E=MC2″ is that Mariah just broke Elvis’ record for most #1 Billboard hits by a solo artist. (She has 18 now!)  Does it really matter?  Just because something is a hit, doesn’t mean it is good.  Mariah has spent the last 18 years proving that! During that time she’s been consistently polluting our radios with sub-par dance-numbers and insipid ballads.  She has vocal talent.  That’s undeniable.  It’s just been massively misused. Back when she debuted in 1990 there was a slight glimmer of hope things would be different.  There was a jazziness to “Vision of Love” and “Vanishing.”  On upbeat numbers like “Someday” she came off like a “How Will I Know?”-era Whitney Houston. But for every glimmer of soulfulness, there was something working against her.  She has always had a powerful voice with a lot of range, but the fact that she insisted on showing off her highest octave, (probably breaking many mirrors over the years) didn’t help her. (It’s so high, it hurts!) Sometimes less is more!  She took a gospel-fueled voice and used it to sing the lowest grade of pop-songs. Although she has reclaimed her pop stature in the years since her much publicized breakdown and “Glitter”, all is not well musically for her.  “E=MC2″ is R&B pop 101 in the worst sort of way.  Any one of these tracks could have been sung by Janet, Rihanna, Ashanti, or for that matter any nameless pop flavor-of-the-month.  This isn’t real R&B.  It’s shiny, glitzy sugar meant for your niece’s sweet 16!  It goes in one ear and sticks in the pit of your stomach until it makes you feel queasy.  The sad thing is that this is what’s on pop radio!  Better, more authentic R&B singers like Angie Stone and Erykah Badu are sadly considered “fringe” in comparison.  Such moves mark the death of culture.  This explains the cookie-cutter nature of “American Idol.”  The show wants more malleable singers like Mariah Carey.  It seems to me like they want someone faceless, lacking edge (or any sort of unique weirdness) who they can just build a backing track around.  It’s not good for music in general.  It takes a rare singer who can balance a real soulfulness with a pop sensibility.  The truth is that only Alicia Keys comes to mind in that rare category.  “E=MC2″ opens with “Migrate,” Mariah’s duet with T-Pain.  It begins with her signature squeal.  (Wow!  That hurts!)  It’s the kind of plodding, fake-string infused track that has been all over radio ever since 50 Cent dropped “In Da Club.”  For the most part Mariah keeps her voice low.  But most shocking of all is that she sounds like she’s using a synthesized effect on her voice.  T-Pain’s part sounds all synthetic, but on him it is less surprising. (If there’s anyone who shouldn’t need vocal enhancement, it’s Mariah!)  The track will probably be a hit, but it may not be remembered it in 5 years.  Next is the record-breaking single, “Touch My Body.”  It’s a run-of-the-mill smooth-lovin’ track.  It lacks personality, and Mariah seems hushed.  There’s nothing special about this.  It’s a bland finger-snapping groove loaded with come-ons which are truly lacking in seduction.  It is another dose of factory-produced pop.  The track is boring. “Cruise Control” is next – a duet with Damien Marley where Mariah tries on a reggae groove unsuccessfully.  The beat’s got some bounce, but she kills the momentum trying to fit into a pose she can’t quite pull off.  “I Stay In Love” is Mariah in mellow ballad mode.  Once again, the track is a sterile groove.  Any R&B singer could sing this ballad.  The song sounds a little like “Slow Jamz” by Kane West, Twista and Jamie Foxx.  Unoriginal, indeed! Mariah brings in Young Jeezy next for “Side Effects.”  It’s another half-hearted, down-trodden love song.  This is another uninspired track that will probably be a hit.  It’s lethargic.  Plus, once again it sounds like there is something over her voice.  “I’m That Chick” tries to be a low-level disco groove, but it too lacks spark and personality.  This could’ve been on Janet’s disc easily.  Her hook of “I’m that chick you like” only brings out all the worst diva-centric qualities of her image.  Jermaine Dupri, (Janet Jackson’s boyfriend) makes an appearance on “Love Story.”  It’s another uneventful love ballad.  Like most of the album, the lyrics are delivered in a syncopated way.  It’s like Mariah’s got some strange Nelly influence all of a sudden.  “I’ll Be Lovin’ U Long Time” would almost be half decent if its chorus didn’t bring to mind 2 Live Crew, and if again, Mariah’s voice didn’t sound treated.  Jermaine Dupri is back again for “Last Kiss.”  Again, the track’s got a rather standard R&B production palate. Dupri’s insistence to put himself on the tracks he produces, shouting back phrases and going “yeah, yeah” along throughout is irksome.  Did he and Diddy go to the same school of annoying rap-producer habits?  Sometimes you need to be quiet and just stay behind the boards!  But Dupri keeps on blathering on the next track, “Thanx 4 Nothin.’”  You’d think it was his album!  It’s like he thinks he’s toasting, and he’s even more irritating than before.  It’s hard enough to  handle Mariah’s over-the-top, love gone wrong delivery, without Dupri going “oh, oh, oh” continuously over the beat.  It sounds like something that should’ve been edited out in post-production.  “O.O.C.” stands for “Out Of Control” and it has an odd almost Eastern quality.  The words and singing are layered all over the place.  Perhaps this was done on purpose to mirror the title, but it really makes the track just sound like a major mess.  There’s a distorted piano somewhere in the mix which is vaguely interesting, but you can barely hear it over the noise.  “For the Record” is another marginal ballad.  Mariah specializes in these tracks.  Nowadays, she can’t make a hook memorable for her life.  Throughout this record it is like she is searching to find her identity, and she won’t find it delivering this vacuous tripe! “Bye Bye” is a track designed for the sad times.  It’s shall we say “a very special” track.  I’m sure it was written with all the best intensions and maybe someone will get comfort from it, but on its bare surface its chorus of “This is for my peoples who just lost somebody” just seems like shameless pandering for the sympathy vote.  (A weird touch is the oddly-placed “HEY” in the background at the most tender moment of the track! Way to ruin a soft moment! It’s as if someone’s saying, “This is a sad track, everyone, but, don’t worry, because it’ll still sound great bangin’ out of your speakers or at the clubs.”  It’s inappropriate.)   The album finally comes to a much anticipated end with “I Wish You Well.”  It finds Mariah in a gospel-driven, piano-bar mode.  You can tell that this is her attempt at a “credibility” track, but it fails on every count. This is the kind of song Alicia Keys can do in her sleep three thousand times better.  In Mariah’s hands, it’s a surprisingly awkward, occasionally deafening exercise.  A few seconds in, I found myself wishing it would stop.  When it finally did, I found my own little momentary sense of inner peace.  “E=MC2″ is not a great album, in fact, for long stretches, it’s an awful, punishing experience, but the state of pop music today is in such a shambles that no matter what I say, it will probably sell through the roof.  Mariah has her share of detractors who will no doubt agree with me, and her share of loyal fans who will disagree and say this is one of the best albums of the year.  That’s fine.  Everyone’s entitled to an opinion. There’s much better music out there, though.  There’s much more substantive pop and R&B out there with an earthier, more authentic feeling.  That brand of music is much more satisfying than anything on this forgettable placebo of an album.  I think Mariah has had so many hits because she just happens to get a lot of airplay.  (If you think airplay has anything to do with quality, you are mistaken!)  Top 40 radio has trained the youth to embrace mediocre music, especially as it gets more consolidated.  Music that makes you think might turn you off and make you not want to listen to the radio anymore.  It’s because Mariah fits this empty, soulless mold that she now finds herself in the record books.  She can sing, but the bottom line is that she’s simply lucky and has the right connections.  We as music fans deserve better.