The 10 Best Lines From Charlie Sheen’s Roast

How do you compete with the highly anticipated season premiere of the insanely popular sitcom you used to headline?

Make yourself a punching bag for half a dozen stars and let ‘em rip for two hours.

That’s basically what Comedy Central’s Monday night roast of Charlie Sheen amounted to — a not so subtle middle finger to the new, Ashton Kutcher-helmed “Two and a Half Men,” which premiered on CBS the same day. But Sheen took a beating along the way, getting eviscerated by the likes of Jon Lovitz, William Shatner and … Mike Tyson, who offered an awkward poetic tribute to his actor friend.

Though the show was taped earlier this month, its air date couldn’t have been better timed. Monday afternoon, reported that Sheen has settled his lawsuit against the producers of his former show for upwards of $100 million. UPDATE: A Warner Bros. rep told this morning that no settlement has been reached yet.

But let’s get to the good stuff. Below, the 10 best lines from Comedy Central’s roast that can actually be reprinted here:

1. Charlie Sheen: “It’s true, I’ve hung around with a lot of shady people over the years — losers, drug addicts, dealers, desperate whores. But to have you all here on one night is really special.”

2.  Seth MacFarlane: “I really think you and Emilio should do a follow up to ‘Men and Work’ and you can call it ‘Men Who Don’t Work Anymore.’”

3. Jon Lovitz: “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.”

4. Kate Walsh: “Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidney, your liver, the only thing you’ve had removed are your kids.”

5. Jeff Ross: “Charlie if you’re winning, this must not be a child custody hearing. Only time your kids get to see you is in re-runs. Charlie, don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?”

6. Anthony Jeselnik: “Charlie, you are a monster. Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of ‘Law and Order, SVU.’”

7. Amy Schumer: “Your marriage to Denise Richards, it was kind of like her Vietnam because she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie.”

8. William Shatner: “First off Charlie, I’m 80-years-old. You’re what, 47?” [Sheen: "46."] “Then how come we look like we went to high school together?”

9: William Shatner: “Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. Hasn’t anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free?”

10: Seth MacFarlane: “Honestly Charlie, I never thought I would live to see this night that you would live to see this night.”


Join the Discussion
blog comments powered by Disqus
You Might Also Like...