Spoiler alert!

The new season of “Two and a Half Men” opened with a coffin and Alan (Jon Cryer) giving a eulogy for his brother,  Charlie Harper (Charlie Sheen).

“It’s a sad day for all of us,” Alan says, and blond woman at the service yells out, “speak for yourself.”

This is followed by more revelry and in quick succession, gals in the audience say, “He gave me herpes,” “Chlamydia,” and a third quipped, “Vaginal warts.”

Charlie’s brother turns the honors over to Rose, his brother’s stalker on the show (Melanie Lynskey), who was with him when he died.  So how did he die?

Charlie slipped on a Metro platform in Paris and fell into an on-coming train, and his body just exploded like a balloon full of meat, Rose said.

After the familiar “Two and a Half Men” theme song, Charlie’s ashes were delivered to the apartment in the mail. When Alan accidentally drops Charlie’s remains, we see Ashton Kutcher through the cloud of ashes.

He comes in through the balcony and asks to use the phone.  The stranger, who apparently tried to kill himself over his wife leaving him, finally introduces himself. He is Waldon Schmidt.

Waldon, who threw himself in the ocean in despair over a woman (something Charlie would never do), likes to walk around naked and picks up right where Charlie left off. He goes out for drinks with Alan and has sex with two women the first night.

He has moved right in.

Schmidt says, “I dig your house. I think I’m going to buy it.”