I take calls on a crisis/suicide hotline (plus serve something called Crisis Chat). I’m going to sound lacking in empathy, but my first impulse is to catch a big lobster and hold it in good position to clamp down on Mr. MacKenzie’s privates. With those funds and his time, he could have done much good for *humans* suffering horribly. (I’m confident there’s an ample supply of them in CT as well.)

I’m all for helping tortured animals, but could we come a step or two up the food chain from lobster? I’m sure there’s at least an owl somewhere who could use a contribution to sustaining his or her habitat.