Talking to Kids About Death

I resolved my existential doubts about death, and explained them to our 7 yo daughter in preparing her for her father’s death, like this –
Death, like any loss, is sad, but it is also inevitable for all living creatures. We are each of us born, and we will each of us die — there’s no ifs or buts!! It’s the thread of time between birth and death which are our lives in which we can frolic and cavort, and grieve and mourn, rejoice and wonder, etc.. We don’t know how long that lifeline will last for any of us, so we relish it as best we can, and then those left behind can cherish the memories even longer, those memory threads woven into the fabric of the surviving lives.
Our personal belief is that he will always live in our hearts, and in the hearts of everyone who loved him, and with G-d too because that worked for our family values. We were sad that he died, and we miss him, and think and speak of him daily — but it was important, in this house, to accept it unequivocally — because we had too — and without fear and apprehension as much as possible, because that wasn’t the legacy we wanted him to leave behind.
Seems to have worked so far –

I have been doing all of the same things that this article suggests except I have been putting in the spiritual things that I believe in. I have told my son about Heaven and it has made it something to look forward to and not be scared of for him. He has seen movies and played video games that had someone getting hurt or killed so that is why his questions came up.

First, let me commend you for bringing up this topic to begin with. All the emotions you express are normal. As a hospital chaplain, having worked in pediatrics for five years, and now, having worked in oncology for nearly seven years, I have had countless conversations with children, parents and other family members about death. I suggest a few simple guidelines.
First, be honest about the death. You are right that children think literally, and euphamisms like, “Grandma just went to sleep” can be confusing and harmful. Children can inadvertantly become invisible as we try to cope with our own feelings of loss, but their loss is just as real as ours and they need the chance to be assured that they will still be cared for.
Second, speak simply, based on the child’s age. In our anxiety, we adults often over-explain or miss the meaning of the child’s question. You may think that the question, “where is Grandpa going?” is a question about life after death, but in reality, the child may be asking about what will happen to Grandpa’s body, whether he will be buried or cremated.
Third, along that line, it is very appropriate to ask the child if he has any questions about what is happening. Listen carefully to the question, and after you answer, check to see if that was what the child wanted to know.
Fourth, allow the child to grieve and to see you grieve. Children often express their grief in short displays of emotion, such as crying for a few minutes, and then go and play for a while. Coloring, drawing, writing a letter or a poem, or making a card are all examples of what may help a individual child mourn appropriately. Don’t discourage tears, but don’t think the child is not grieving if she doesn’t cry much. Sometimes the best comfort is to cuddle up on the lap of a loved one with a favorite stuffed toy and just rock for a while.
Finally, children cope best in this kind of high stress situation when they can be kept on their daily schedule as much as possible. Meals, naps, etc., are important stabilizers in the child’s routine. For school age children, a call to the principal’s office as soon as possible to set up grief support counseling is essential when a parent or sibling dies.
Rev. David Waggoner, PhD,
Assoc. Chaplain
Sacred Heart Medical Center-RiverBend
Springfield, Oregon
My blog: http://www.extremethinkover.com

That lump in the throat? It may well be what’s keeping you and your children from knowing the truth. I know the feeling.

To Mike in WNY,
If the worst happens you can give your child a wonderful gift by being staright up with him, and telling him just how much you cared about your parent and just how much you care about your child. Don’t throw in much about “being in a better place” because this is absurd to a child. I think your love and kindness are all this young child needs. He will take his lifetimes message from how much you love each of them.I found telling my kids how much my Mother meant to me and how much I would miss her was just about all I could say. They asked about where do dead people go and I said I had no idea but that I new she was not in pain and was safe. I told them she loved them and love never “left ” it just went into our hearts and mind. We cried and I felt better they seemed to know I was telling them “OUR” truth, yours might be soemthing else. But my kids where never afraid for thier grandparent only sad they did not see them anymore.

More of a question…
Mine stepson is three, Ive been with his father since before he was born and his puppy was hit by a car. The puppy lived at my mothers house but we visited very often. The last time we were over I put my 3 year old stepson over the gate and told him to go find Zeuss, his puppy. He ran around the houe twice before mu mither came out amd told me what had happened. I didnt know what to do or say. They had already burried him so there was no saying goodbye. I told him Zeuss was crossing the street and was hit by a car and that he had to go to the doctor…I feel bad he still remembers his first puppy and that was a while ago…Adivise would be much appriciated