How to Tell Someone You Want to Be More Than Friends

Feb 15, 2011 3:35pm

Dear Liz,

I am a 30-year old female who has been secretly in love with a guy since last November. We are good friends and I invite him over for dinner and do other things together couple times a week. Unfortunately though he has not shown any interest in terms of romantic feeling towards me yet. To make things more complicated, lately he seems be very interested in one of my girl friends who also seems to be interested in him. What should I do? Thank you for your help.

-Jing in California

Hi there Jing,

Thanks for writing in. Wow, this is  a really really tough one, a bad recipe as they say. What you do here depends on what you really want. Can you come clean and tell him your feelings? It is a terribly vulnerable thing to do,  that would require you to be really brave and honest. And it has consequences I'm sure you've considered.  If you tell him your feelings, the obvious thought is that he might not reciprocate. However, there is always the chance that he will.  To further complicate things, it is common when these experiences occur…to learn that by revealing your feelings to him and he not reciprocating, it can tend to take a huge toll on the friendship itself. SOOOOO what to do?

Go over all of this until you know what feels the best for you. Standing by and watching your friend go for him, even if it doesn't work out in the end, could be torture. Jing it's time to make a move, the fact that you've written in means you are coming to a place in this that requires some movement. You have to decide to either tell him your feelings, or try and move yourself away from thinking about you and him that way. Your choice!  If you decide to tell him, you can easily say, "Have you ever thought about you and I going on a real date?"  And then it begins… You can back off it if he comes on strong against it, or it could be an opening for him to say…yes I have.

On the other side, you can attempt convincing yourself that if he were into you that way, he would have said something to you, and you don't want to risk the friendship entirely.  It will all depend on  your heart and frankly your ability to be vulnerable right now.  You know what they say, you never know until you try, if anyone knows that I do!

Hang in there Jing.

Liz

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