Do you have any childbirth regrets?
I have only one big regret about my childbirth experience: My Mom wasn’t there.
I wish she had been by my side on that stormy Friday night when I was screaming wildly through contractions. I wish my Mom had been there to welcome my daughter when she first opened her gooey little eyes.
Why wasn’t my Mom there? It’s complicated.
When I became pregnant for the first time, I thought my Mom and I would become close. I figured that she’d want to be involved and take me shopping for maternity clothes, help me pick the nursery color, and brainstorm baby names with me. My Mom and I had gone through a distant period in our relationship and I thought my pregnancy would bring us back together.
Wrong. It only pushed us father apart. My mom was shocked when I told her that I was in my first trimester. Shocked. At first she couldn’t even comprehend the news. “What? You’re pregnant? I didn’t even know you were trying.”
And then she blurted out, “I’m not going to be called Grandma. I’m not ready for that.”
I was hurt. I thought I was giving her this amazing gift—an opportunity to be a Grandma—and she didn’t even want it. But thinking back, I’ve realized that my Mom’s words weren’t out-of-character. She’s a person who always says the most shocking and surprising statements at a dinner table—and most of the time she’s incredibly thought-provoking or entertaining, but occasionally she can be too honest.
The conversation got worse. “I don’t want to be in the room when you’re giving birth. I know that’s popular these days but I think it’s weird,” she said.
I was crestfallen. I had imagined her being in the room. My Mom, a vibrant woman who’s never afraid to speak her mind, was supposed to be the one screaming at the doctor, “Get this woman some ice chips!” Who would be my advocate? Definitely not my soft-spoken husband.
My pregnancy felt a little lonely. My husband and friends were interested and involved but my Mom was ambivalent. She treated my pregnancy as if it were an everyday occurrence. Looking back, I can realize that she was sorting through some difficult emotions of her own. She was grappling with getting old and the idea of her own baby growing up.
Just weeks before my due date, my husband and I were having dinner at my parents’ house. They were finally getting a little excited about the arrival of their first grandchild. And then my Mom surprised me and told me that she’d changed her mind about being in the room and asked to be there.
This is where I made a huge mistake. I told her no. Yes, I wanted her to be there but I was stubborn. I was angry. I was hurt. I had re-imagined my birth with only my husband and me. To protect myself, I had erased my Mom from the picture. She had hurt me, and this awful part of me wanted to hurt her back. I was stupid and inflexible.
She looked hurt when I told her. Oh gosh, if only I could push rewind and change my attitude. I should have told her yes. I was stupid to hold a grudge.
My Mom didn’t immediately warm up to my daughter. “I don’t really like babies,” she told me. But she was a sport and spent a full month babysitting my daughter right after I went back to work. She strapped my 3-month-old daughter in a sling and carried her all over our hometown of San Francisco. She changed her diapers and fed her bottles and even brought her to my office everyday so I could nurse. And that’s when I saw my Mom become comfortable in her new role, and I could tell that there would be a day when the tiny baby in her arms would speak the word Grandma.
Childbirth is such an incredible moment, and I’d love to know what went through your mind when you held your baby for the first time? By replying, you will be entered to win an exclusive Million Moms Challenge Gift Pack, which includes an iPad2, a custom-made Million Moms Challenge pendant and a $50 donation in your name to Global Giving.
Please join the Million Moms Challenge and sign up today!
This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Million Moms Challenge. The opinions and text are all mine. Contest runs October 17 to November 13, 2011. A random winner will be announced by November 15, 2011.