Washington is a great place to celebrate Independence Day, what with the monuments, the barbecues, the millions of tourists and, of course, the fireworks. Actually, in the nation’s capital we’re treated to fireworks almost every day, though they’re usually the rhetorical kind. To celebrate this year, we bought a bunch of new pyrotechnics that just went on the market (legal in most states). Here they are. Buyer beware.
The Barack Blast: The fancy box on this much-anticipated explosive promises all sorts of dazzle and awe. When you light it, though, it turns out it’s just regular fireworks.
Boehner’s Bomb: This one comes at half-price with the Barack Blast. Light them together, and watch this beauty obstruct all of the Barack Blast’s efforts to bring you a light show.
The Omni-Romney: This is the premier tour de flame of the year, a contraption brimming with sparkling effects that will keep the show going for hours. Sure to be the highlight of your evening if you can afford it.
Newt’s Eclipse: Aim directly at the moon.
The Super Duper PAC: A spectacle of booms and bangs, best suited for the grand finale, but unfortunately it’s not allowed to coordinate with the other fireworks, so it can’t be part of the show. It’s also a little bit negative.
The Bleepin’ Veep: Keep the kids away from this show-stopper. It’s loud and a little vulgar, but it’s as quick as an Amtrak train to Wilmington.
The Cain Train: A dud. Good for practical jokes though.
The Supreme Assortment: Especially rare and secretive. No one really knows what’s inside it. After you light the fuse, it keeps you waiting for months. But the result is surprising.
The Fox Box and The Situation Boom: For the first few minutes, it’s a mess and a little rushed. Then it gets on track, before cutting to commercial.
Rick’s Tricks: A special three-part display, exported from Texas. The first section is full of elaborate Roman candles; the second is a variety of colorful chrysanthemums; and the third …