Excerpt: 'Lazy Husband'

Despite our culture's drift toward more involved dads, mothers are still seen as the primary caretaker of the house and child. This perspective that "mom's in charge" means that women who aren't as involved in maintaining their homes or kids are far more likely to be censored by a society that tells her that it damned well is her job to care. In other words, women's identities are more influenced by house and children, in part, because others are more likely to judge them by those yardsticks. Interestingly, the idea that moms are to blame for a child's behavior hasn't always been the case in the United States. Before the industrial revolution, fathers were considered the authorities on raising children, and therefore received the blame or credit for how well their kids turned out. It wasn't until the nineteenth century that the blame began to shift to women as a "cult of domesticity" evolved, instructing women that their place was in the home.

While there have been important changes since then, the belief that home and parenting are women's work persists into the present, and causes many women to feel unentitled to make demands of a fair exchange for all of the work that they do with their house and kids. As author Ann Crittenden writes in "The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World Is Still the Least Valued," the myth that men "support" women as well as children prevents many women from seeing themselves as valuable economic players and equal partners. She notes that it's hard to feel cheated of the fruits of your labor if you don't believe that what you're doing is labor. Let's take an example. Robert earns thirty dollars an hour as a mechanic while his wife earns fifteen dollars an hour as a librarian at the state university. They both believe that she should do more at home because her time is not as "valuable" as his. While this is true in the marketplace, that calculus only makes sense if raising children is considered unimportant. Mothers who buy in to the marketplace argument of parenting begin their negotiations from a far weaker position than those who see their contributions to their children, their marriage, and their husbands as priceless.

Who's Got the Power?

Historically, women have entered marriage with far less power than men. Until the middle of the nineteenth century, women didn't have the right to own their own property in the United States, and had no legal say in family matters, including determining how money would be spent even when it was earned through their own labor. When a woman became a widow, her husband's estate was passed on to his heirs, and it was up to them to provide for her. In 1848, this began to change with the passage of the Married Women's Property Act permitting married women to hold property and to gain protection from their husband's debts if they became widowed. This act later gave them the right to share joint custody and to an equal inheritance with their children in the case of divorce. However, it wasn't until 1980 that a married woman could obtain property without her husband's consent, or use legal recourse if he mismanaged their property or shared assets. Jobs and Motherhood Women's wages have been well below those of men up until the recent past. For example, from 1930 to 1980, the earnings of full-time working women were only 60 percent of men's earnings.

This gap narrowed dramatically in the 1980s and early 1990s, though an earning gap of at least 20 percent has persisted for the past twenty years. Despite these gains, when women become mothers, their power and bargaining position decreases because their financial power typically decreases. This is because women who take more than a brief maternity leave are punished by being taken off the fast track to promotions and career advancements. This decrease in financial stability also makes women who become mothers more dependent on their husbands. Those who prided themselves on their independence prior to childbirth may suddenly find themselves in the uncomfortable position of needing financial and emotional support from their husbands in new and unexpected ways.

Among other reactions, this may raise unresolved anxieties from childhood about needing help and not having it be forthcoming. Many couples begin to experience problems for the first time when a child comes on the scene because both have to newly navigate this shift in roles and responsibilities. This may explain why a majority of couples experience a big decrease in marital satisfaction after the arrival of children. While a woman may experience an increase in stress and a decrease in power, a man may feel burdened by the increase in financial obligations, especially if his wife doesn't go back to work. In addition, men who enjoyed their wive's independence and activity level prior to children may feel burdened by her expressions of dependence or anxiety after a child arrives. Gerry: Before our kids were born, Shauna and I did everything together. We went hiking, bike riding, river rafting. It was a really adventurous, romantic life. I had never met a woman like her who was so independent and strong. That all changed when she became a mother.

Now it seems like she worries about everything and whatever activities we did together have pretty much ground to a halt. It drives me crazy! Shauna: We had a blast before kids, but I feel like Gerry hasn't made the shift into being a dad. It's like he still wants to spend as much time doing all of the things we used to do and ignore the fact that we have to cut back on our expenses and other things. Besides, since I've become a mother, I don't feel as big a need to always be out doing things. I'm happy to hang out with the kids. It feels like he wants to pretend we don't even have children.

Compared to What?

Studies on families reveal something surprising: when women are trying to determine what's fair to expect from their husbands, they don't compare themselves with what their husbands are doing; they compare themselves to what other women are doing. This causes both men and women to accept a standard of participation from the husband that is problematic for the wife. Both men and women are also hampered by the lack of role models to navigate this new domestic order. When women look to their own mothers for examples, a majority find someone who did the majority, if not the entirety of the parenting and housework. Recalling what their fathers contributed doesn't provide much guidance because, in all likelihood, he had his feet propped up before and after dinner, and was out with his friends on the weekends. This lack of models is one reason why women continue to carry the second shift despite its unfairness.

What are the Husbands Thinking?

While many men recognize that their wives are doing more, and may even feel guilty about it, they also look at other men's behavior to help them figure out what's fair. In addition, they look at their own fathers and come up looking good in comparison. Jack: I don't recall my father doing anything around the house growing up. I mean, he'd work in the yard and fix things, but I think my brothers and I were pretty much my mother's responsibility. And I definitely never saw him do laundry, mop a floor, or cook a meal with the exception of the occasional Sunday barbeque. Compared to my father, I work my butt off and my wife still complains about me!" What men don't factor in is that their wives are also doing a lot more than their mothers ever did, and usually with bigger financial and social demands.