Smart Women Marry Rich, Says New Book
Why Do Women Choose 'Big Blue Eyes' Over 'Big Green Bank Account?'
By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES
June 5, 2009—
Heart-stopping, knee-weakening, "when-is-he-going-to-call" kind of love wanes in about 18 to 24 months, but the kind that comes in dollars and cents lasts a lifetime.
At least according to a new book, "Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped into the Romantic Dream -- and How They're Paying for It."
The book confirms what mothers have been telling their daughters for generations: "Girls are told at their mother's knee: "It's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man." Or, "No Romance without Finance." And, "Marry the one you can live with, not the one you can't live without."
Many women would agree that one good man in the boardroom is better than two in the bedroom.
Such was the case with Ginger Borgella, a 29-year-old Maryland therapist who writes the blog, "Girls Just Want To Have Funds."
"How a man treats his finances -- if he is not willing to honor his debts and obligations -- is an indicator of how he will treat you in the marriage," she told ABCNews.com.
"I want a man who is financially savvy," said Borgella, who asked to see her prospective husband's credit report.
That report wasn't perfect, but the couple made a mutual plan to establish financial security and have now been married since 2006 and own their own house.
"I don't want to be broke," said Borgella. "I'm not Paris Hilton, but I lead a comfortable life."
"Smart Girls Marry Money" is a satirical self-help guide is written by two middle-aged professionals scarred by their first marriages.
They aim their advice squarely at nubile girls who have falsely equated romantic love with happiness.
Why are girls are encouraged to court the man with the "big blue eyes" rather than the one with the "big green bankroll?" they ask.
Both authors -- Los Angeles mothers Daniela Drake and Elizabeth Ford -- say they "married for love, but reaped the consequences."
Drake is a primary care doctor with an MBA and Ford (divorced from the son of actor Harrison Ford) is an Emmy-winning television producer.
Ford admits the book's title is "meant to get your attention."
"It's not just about how to marry a rich guy," she told ABCNews.com. But women are way too obsessed with the "love drug."
The question women should ask about the fiance is, "Does he have a financial plan and how does that match up with your values?"
Romantic love, they say, is never a valid reason to get married.
"Both men and women think it is the end-all, be-all of happiness," said Ford. "Every movie ends with the wedding scene and a pregnant girl at the end and they live happily ever after."
Science seems to back this theory. MRI scans now reveal a "complicated biological cocktail of hormones" that light up in the brain when people are in love, according to the book. And, Ford notes, the activity is in "the most primitive, reptilian" part of the brain.
Knowing that that loving feeling doesn't last and that women have a "sell-by date," women should pursue the "gold digging imperative" -- finding a man while they still have their youth and looks.
"I am just old fashioned enough to find [marrying for money] repellant," said Stephanie Coontz, professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Washington.
Still, she notes that romantic love is a modern notion.
According to her 2005 book, "Marriage, A History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage," it began in the Victorian era.
"There is nothing new about this idea," Coontz told ABCNews.com. "Women have been marrying for mercenary reasons for most of history. They had to, because they couldn't support themselves."
She said that as late as 1967, women routinely considered marrying a man they didn't love "if he met the financial criteria."
For thousands of years, marriage was based on political and economic convenience for both men and women.
"Until the 18th century the biggest infusion of cash until marriage was death and an inheritance," said Coontz. Next was the dowry.
"Families were interested in the connections to in-laws to improve their financial interests," she said.
But as the middle class emerged and men could support themselves rather than depend upon an inheritance, they became "the most exuberantly romantic," she said.
"Women who were totally dependent and legally subordinate said things in their diaries like, "Caution: My heart inclines to Harry, but I can't take that risk."
By the mid 20th century, modern attitudes gave men and women equality to choose a mate, but not economic equality.
Men expect power because they make more money and women "trade services for deference," Coontz said. "This has created an unstable situation."
The best hope for a stable and satisfying marriage is one where both husband and wife share the bread-winning, child care and housework, according to Coontz.
"Women mostly say it is less important to have a man earn a lot of money than a man who can communicate and share his feelings," she said. "And that doesn't mean they want to marry a deadbeat."
The book's authors agree that economic equality is important.
They argue that women can't earn as much as men, especially after having children, and if they do marry well, and then split, they are shortchanged by divorce, both professionally and financially.
The book cites research by Professor Stephen Jenkins, director of the Institute for Social and Economic Research, who found that five years after divorce, men were 25 percent richer, whereas women still had less money than they did pre-split; and that 31 percent of mothers received no support no payment for children.
Women face the pressure to do it all -- raise children, earn a decent salary and be a hot sexpot in bed.
And, the authors note from personal experience that 50 percent of all marriages are doomed to failure.
"If falling in love is a valid reason to get married, then falling out of love is a reason for divorce," said Ford, whose husband left her two years ago to raise their now 8-year-old son, motivating her to write the book.
Ford's enthusiasm for the topic was also fueled by a younger sister who graduated from college "looking for love" and ended up with "slacker guys who don't pay the rent."
Her co-author, Drake, left her husband, because he had no concern for the couple's finances. She is now remarried with two children.
A good marriage, they both say, is an economic partnership. And research shows that if a couple stays together long enough, the passionate love will reignite.
Such was case with one blogger on the Web site Urban Baby who said her best friend had always dated "rocker guys" but, instead, married a Jewish MBA consultant.
"She admits that he is not as sexy, interesting or thrilling as her past boys," she wrote. "But he is understanding and kind and super intelligent. I 'm sure that loft in Tribeca didn't hurt either."