So. Who are the VMAs for, exactly? Not for me, obviously, because I spend my Sunday nights eating single serving microwave pizzas and watching Netflix in front of a mirror. I am my own celebrity obsession. I haven't cared about the VMAs since this happened, and also what is a "Best Latino Artist" award, even?
But now that we live at a time when the internet has basically transformed into someone who is constantly like, "Remember snap bracelets? Remember JTT? Remember scrunchies? Remember a time when we didn't have to pay bills or student loan payments or stand in front of a New York City grocery store crying silent tears because a box of Raisin Bran at this Gristedes seriously costs SEVEN F***ING DOLLARS?," Twitter imploded over the rumor that 'N Sync (or *N SYNC, depending on your stylistic preference) would be reuniting at this weekend's awards show.
Alas, that rumor is not true, as former member Lance Bass explained on his SiriusXM show.
There is now no reason for anyone to watch the VMAs. Or, at least, there's no reason to for anyone who remembers a time when MTV played music videos and cartoon about young women who probably grew up to be bloggers writing with a mix of self-deprecation, general ennui, and short, unexpected bursts of enthusiasm over esoteric and at times problematic cultural phenomena.
Which leaves us with: Drinking.
Here, then, is the Officially Unofficial VMAs Drinking Game (Nostalgia Edition).
You will need beer. Any kind of beer will do, but since this is a special nostalgia edition, you should stick with whatever your first beer was. Which was probably Natty Ice or Keystone, for some reason. You will also need some sort of hard liquor, for shot-taking purposes. This should be whatever brand of vodka you snuck into prom.
- Take one sip of beer any time an artist appropriates another culture
- Take two sips of beer if this artist is Miley Cyrus, specifically
- Drink eight beers if you remember Cleopatra, you guys
- Take three sips of beer any time you laugh at Drake
- Chug your beer if anything Kanye West says, wears, or does makes you gag on your sad, single serving, Sunday night pizza :'(
- Take a shot every time Pitbull says "dale," "305," "mami," or "worldwide."
- Take a shot if you mistake Macklemore for a former child star, for some reason
- He totally does look like he could be one, right?
- Take a shot if the camera focuses on Lena Dunham during fun.'s categories (Best Pop Video, Best Direction)
- Take a shot if you want to play Skip-It with Bruno Mars while trading pogs
- Take seventeen shots if anyone performs a "Blurred Lines" parody
- Cry, a lot
Enjoy the show.