Showbiz Commentary: Heidi Oringer

ByCommentary<br>by <a Href=mailto:heidi.b.oringer@abc.com>heidi Oringer</a>

June 20, 2001 -- Gadzooks! That's about all I can say after reading the cover story on Angelina Jolie in the July 5 issue of Rolling Stone.

Obviously, I'll say a little more, as it is my nature to do so, but I have to tell you the whole story rendered me officially "freaked out." I know we are all created equal and it is our differences that make us unique individuals, but sometimes you just wonder, how "different" should you be?!

Lara Croft, Tomb Buyer

I was at first struck by the sheer irony. Jolie plays Lara Croft in the new movie Tomb Raider, AND she bought a couple of burial plots to celebrate her first anniversary with beloved husband Billy Bob Thornton. In the inimitable words of Dana Carvey's church lady, "Isn't THAT special?!"

Let me say this now: The day my husband (to be) comes home with his-and-her burial plots for an anniversary gift, he'll wish he came home IN a coffin. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind a box on my first anniversary — I'd just prefer a box that holds jewelry as opposed to one that holds a dead body.

But that's just the first of many instances where I found that Ms. Jolie and I differ in our tastes. First there's that matter of what makes a good gift. We also part ways on the idea of what makes for a good cocktail. I am a water, wine, and occasional vodka sort of person. Jolie, on the way other hand, is a Billy Bob Thornton's blood kind of person.

At a recent ceremony to renew their wedding vows, they cut their fingers and sipped away at one another. It is difficult to continue with this, as I struggle with a nasty gag reflex, but my problems should not be yours.

So, does anyone else think this is repulsively gross besides me? I've been in love enough to want to "drink" my paramour in, but not LITERALLY. I think the swapping of fluids gets covered nicely in the French kiss and other such things, and that should suffice. Again, it does for me at least.

Horsing Around Naked

Another shocking non-similarity between us gals — our love for animals. We both have it, but mine is for cats and dogs, baby chimps and bunnies. Jolie is into rats. As a matter of fact, she and her hubby-wubby have a pet rat named Fat Harry. Harry is actually a chick rat that now resides in the couple's bedroom in a neat little Rat-a-trail (this is what I suppose they call a Habitrail for rodents).

Jolie being a nurturer by nature (sarcasm abounds here), she was feeding the little varmint pumpkin pie until she was told that it's not a good idea. Harry's cholesterol levels too high? Maybe he broke out in a rash? Prefers lemon meringue? Don't know. Don't wanna know.

Oh yeah, Angelina also likes horses, or at least they like her. There's a picture, one of many that accompany the article, of a topless Jolie having her breasts nuzzled by a horse. I guess I can see that if it's a Centaur — the half man/half horse of Greek mythology — otherwise, I believe there are legalities to consider.

Then there's our literary sides. Mine takes place on the Internet, as I sit at my souped-up laptop each week and turn out this nifty column you're reading now. Jolie, too, is one to express herself, only she chooses a different mode. She jots down her thoughts in her own blood. Her most recent ditty is called "to the end of time." It's a one-line ode to her beloved. And she likes to read — vampire books. Imagine?! Me, romance novels. Now there's a twist.

She's a homeowner. She bought Slash's old place. It's modestly decorated. She has a couple of tents pitched in her and Billy Bob's bedroom, originally for Billy Bob's kids, but she kind of likes them as an alternative to sleeping in the bed. Coincidentally, I too am a homeowner. I cook. I clean. I decorate. I don't necessarily like it all, but who else is gonna do it? And I only desire one alternative to my bed … another bed, Rick Springfield's to be exact … with him in it, of course.

And boy, does Angelina love sex. Anytime, anywhere, but only with Billy B. And she's more than happy to express her joy. I do indeed applaud her passion. Not many married women keep the fires burning so openly and explicitly. I also like a good nookie session, but feel it should be more of a personal experience.

And finally, she's a talented actress with a Golden Globe, an Academy Award and a box-office hit on her hands. She's also madly and passionately in love, and it is reciprocated. So, by Hollywood standards, she's doing something right.

I, on the other hand, have no statuettes to speak of. I am madly and passionately in love, but Rick Springfield hasn't called back.

Which leads to the inevitable conclusion that maybe different is where it's at.

Let's drink to that. O-positive, anyone?

Heidi Oringer is director of entertainment programming at ABCNEWS Radio.

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