Seven Days of Rock

Ay, caramba — this week was chock-full of more high-jinks from the usual array of chart-topping monkeys. Honestly, we're thinking about changing the column name to "Pop Stars Do the Darndest Things."

Joining the ranks of Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, Eminem is the latest celeb considering reinventing himself as an Englishman. Our buddy Marshall told U.K. tabloid The Sun that he's looking at apartments in London. While there's no denying the allure of a big plate of mushy peas washed down with a warm beer, we'd like to remind our little rappin' buddy that England is the country where he has gone head to head with puppets — first Flat Eric and then Bob the Builder — for the No. 1 spot on the charts twice now. What kind of sensible person moves to a country where he got his ass kicked by a fuzzy yellow toy? At least in the U.S. of A., we don't let puppets make records. Well, except 'N Sync.

Carlos Santana debuted his new line of Carlos-brand footwear at select Macys stores in San Francisco. The Grammy-winning guitarist has also lent his name to signature hats and ties (but alas, none of those colorful Alpaca sweaters he's so fond of). Plans for a line of Carlos wallets, however, had to be scrapped when the prototypes turned out to be much too large to fit in the average pants pocket; apparently the multiplatinum star had a skewed idea of how big the average wallet needs to be.

Michael Jackson announced that he'll be celebrating his 30th anniversary in show business with a blow-out Madison Square Garden concert on Sept. 7. In addition to a reunion with his brothers in the Jackson 5, Michael has also tapped Britney Spears, 'N Sync, Whitney Houston, Shaggy, and Marc Anthony for the gig — but we're only going if Pulp's Jarvis Cocker decides to crash the party — or at least to sign on as choreographer.

Bon-bon shaker Ricky Martin is considering the lead in a West End musical production of Zorro. His publicists, however, were quick to quash rumors that the new show was an adaptation of the 1981 George Hamilton masterpiece Zorro, the Gay Blade. Pity — we believe Bunny Wigglesworth is the role Ricky was born to play.

A summer package tour of '80s hit-makers from Down Under, featuring INXS and Men at Work, was scrapped after Midnight Oil dropped off the bill. What's the problem, Hunters and Collectors was too busy to fill in?

The Catholic League for Religious & Civil Rights blasted The Go-Go's, whose official Web site features shots of the girls dressed as nuns, as well as a Go-Go's-ified take on the Hail Mary and illustrations of a priest with green hair and earrings. "They have decided to rip off Catholic imagery in the hope that this will lure a new audience," accused league president William Donohue. Sure they did, Bill — I mean, just look what donning a collar has done for Sinéad O'Connor's record sales.

Speaking of God, while we were very sad that the Almighty called Joey Ramone up to heaven on Sunday, we take some small comfort from the knowledge that at least now maybe Sid Vicious will stop strutting around like he owns the place.

What about "Those Amazing Pop Stars" instead? Does that sound better?