Book Excerpt: There Goes the Bride

ByABC News via logo
April 28, 2003, 12:29 PM

April 29 -- Runaway Bride may have been based more in reality than one would might have assumed. In Rachel Safier and Wendy Roberts' There Goes the Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling it Off and Moving On, real "almost-brides" reveal how they managed to call off their weddings.

In many cases, the women featured in There Goes the Bride, were forced to call off what many women, and men, consider to be the most important day of their life their wedding day. How did they live to tell about it? Read their stories in an excerpt from the book:

Chapter Four: Saying It Out Loud:

One night, I met my sister in the city, as we were traveling to our parents' house together. We stopped to get some crisps [potato chips], and theshopkeeper said in passing, "Have a great day-life is about having fun," and I said to my sister, "You know what? I'm not having fun." And then I told her everything that I had kept from my family. That night I stayed at my parents'. - Sandy

Before beginning the emotional work of getting over your loss, you're going to need to unravel the complex quilt that was your wedding. If you are early in the planning process, you'll "only" have to deal with telling people. If you are close to the wedding day (say, two weeks out, as I was), you'll havethe added joy of contacting vendors. Lucky for you, the Almost Brides have been there, and we've got some wisdom for you.

TELLING FAMILY

I dreaded telling my family that Mark and I were having serious problems. I had the irrational fear that my parents would somehow blame me for not being good enough for Mark or serious enough about marriage, or think I had somehow "ruined" a perfectly good thing. One afternoon, over the phone, the rabbi walked us through the wedding ceremony. When he got to the part in the Jewish ceremony where the groom pulls the handkerchief out of the rabbi's hand, symbolizingthat he is entering into marriage of his own free will and signaling that the ceremony can proceed, the rabbi asked if I wanted to have the same opportunity, as ours was to be an egalitarian ceremony.

"Yes," I told him. Then I thought: I'm not going to be able to pull that handkerchief. That night, I broke down and told my older brother thatit didn't look like we were going to get married. Irrational fears still in place, I suggested that Mark was the only one with the doubts. David promised me that he'd help me break the news to our parents. Still, I waited. Mark and I were in full calling-it-off talks when we went home to his parents' city for a celebratory dinnerwith their friends and my parents. We hung out with Mark's family the afternoon of the dinner, and I felt absolutely brakesslamming-world-ending sick. When they got into town, my parents called from their hotel room and I stretched the phone cord taut into the living room, shut the door, and told them.Again, I neglected to mention my feelings on the issue. "Oh everyone gets cold feet!" my mother assured me. "Even your dad!" I really don't think that's what it is, I told them. And when they saw my face at dinner that night, they knew. My father told me later that after that dinner, he and my mother were just waiting for the phone to ring with news the wedding was off. I didn't call. Instead, a few days later, I hopped a plane home. Weeping, I told my story to my sympathetic seatmate,(she actually said, "I know those tears," before I started in, but I didn't even need the opening). She told me how much better off I was the first of many times I would hear that. My parents agreed. Together, we all breathed a sigh of relief while some of us (me) cried like babies. To say my parents came through would be a huge understatement. They stayed up late, telling me just how lucky I was. When women e-mail me and say they are afraid of telling their parents andcosting them all that money, I lay it on the line. Our parents only want us to be happy. Yes, Almost Brides have told me of parents being less than sympathetic, but the fact is, if your parents don't get it now, they will get it later. If they can't be happy for you, your own happiness will have to suffice. Andany amount of money lost is worth a mistake being averted. Any amount. If you don't believe me, write this in large letters backwards on your forehead and stand in front of the mirror until the message gets through to you: Any amount. Do you know how expensive divorces are?