Readers Respond: Plight of caring for aging parents touched many

June 29, 2007 — -- Our week-long series on caring for elderly parents and relatives touched a chord in our readers, as many responded with heartfelt testimonials about their own experiences and others expressed admiration at the love and courage of caregivers. Here is a sample of some of the responses:

nytewind wrote:

It's not the money, but the emotional toll it takes on a person. My mom died when I was 30 leaving me to care for her dad and my dad both. I took on all the bills, all the grocery shopping, all the cleaning, all the dr visits and hospitalization. I live 2 hours away and was making the drive daily. My grandfather has since passed but dad is still here and declining. Recently I had to force him to stop driving as he is legally blind. I am too young for this. But here I am. They raised me, fed me, clothed me, and put me first, now it is my turn. But it is hard, I have kids of my own, and a job. At the end of the day I collaspe, exhausted. I love my family, but I am tired, and there is no relief ever.Home health, nursing homes, assisted living, none of these options are affordable for folks like us.I'm rambling, sorry this story just struck a nerve..Its good to know I am not the only one out there taking care of my parent, and not resentful about it.. just sooo tired.

eldude1277 wrote:Ive seen this play out with my mother. First with her own Mother and now her dad having a stroke. This is a VERY hard experience to go through. It effects marriages, money, retirements, bickering between siblings and responsibility, etc. Personally, I think culturally and legally we need to change a few things to make it easier to care for people. My sister and I have already worked out what we are going to do when they get to that age and stage in life. But folks, quality of life is much more important than the number of years of life you clock.And also, if your parents are being soley cared for by your brother or sister. Word of advice, get off your butts and do something EVERYDAY for your parents.

VaBelleinTN wrote:

I am 29 years old, and I have been caring for my mother for the past 7 years. She is only 56 years old, but due to many mental and physical problems became unable to work or fully care for herself years ago. The road I have traveled has been more difficult then I even could have imagined in the beginning. My mother has been taken into emergency custody by the state half a dozen times, but every time they hold her for 72 hours and let her go. Because her primary problems are mental conditions and not a physical one the courts won't declare her incompetent. I have some control, but don't have the ability to place her into assisted living. She refuses to leave the only home she has known for 30 years. We tried in-home workers, but after 3 tries with various problems my Mom won't let me put another one the home. I live 5 hours away due to my job, and my only sister does nothing to help. I travel home frequently (usually twice a month), I call everyday. My mom lives in a small town and I am luck that some people in town have been good to her and help where they can. I manage her finances with an iron fist, making sure to save every dime ?just in case?. She is fortunate to have a paid for house and no debt, but when the day does come that long term or more aggressive care is needed I don?t know what we will do. The effect this has had on my entire life has been overwhelming; sometimes I just sit and cry. But those moments are rare, I know that she cared for me and raised me for 18 years; this is now the time she needs me to be there for her.

RAYBURNS wrote:

My 82 year old mother had a fall out of bed this past February. She was taken to Georgetown University Hospital in Washington, D.C. where she was found to be bleeding on the brain and from the kidneys. She went into a coma for 3 days, had to be placed on life support, and had a direct line put in her chest to replace the 1/2 of her blood she had lost. After GT had done everything they could medically she was transferred to Mt. Vernon Rehab Hospital to learn how to walk again and feed herself. On 5 April of this year when she was discharged from Mt. Vernon I was advised to place her in a nursing home because of her cognative state, she would need 24 hour care. Mom has Blue Cross/Blue Shield FEP and Medicare Plan B. After visiting 3 nursing homes in Northern Virginia, I couldn't place her because I was afraid that she would take a rapid decline in health and not live long. I brought her home to live with me and my wife. We have had to ensure some abuse because of her demensia. I had a caretaker with her during the day while the wife and I were at work but Mom hated her and believed she was part of a hit man team that wanted to kill her. I had surveillance cameras installed at stratigic points in the house to ensure that if she fell she would not lay there all day until we got home. I had to tell her that they were smoke detectors and she would have been paronoid about them. I ask God every night to give my wife and I the strength to endure her abuse and have found that people such as my Mom, hurt the ones closest to them. People say, don't let it bother you but it is hurtful for your mother to think that you are stealing her money. I would encourage everyone to get a Power of Attorney for Financial Matters while your parents are healthy so that you can be added onto their bank account and continue to pay their bills for them. Bank of America told me that 95% of the people that have a parent that this happens to can not be added onto their parents bank account and the account just stays dormant until the family has gone thru the court system with a lengthy and expensive process. Anyone having any advise please email me at RAYMOND.S.BURNS@saic.com.

marysrn wrote:

I was divorced with a young child when my mother came to live with me. She was a widow who never tried to change her way of "living the good life". Consequently, she went broke. She was always rather frail, and it became certain that she would not be able to live alone. I worked full time, she looked after my child. She lived in MY house, rent free, paid nothing, and DEMANDED I pay her for babysitting after my child got home from school. The arguments about money, raising my child, what I did with my very little spare time were awful. Years after she came to my house, she was really quite ill and needed pretty much full time care. By then my kid was a teenager and some of the burden fell on him, such as seeing to it that she ate what was prepared for her. Needless to say, it wasn't a happy home, and now that my kid is in his 40's, he still is very cool to me. I can see now why. He was my only child, I have no one else, savings were gone long ago, and he knows that there is a possibility(probability) I will become dependent on him. Guess how I feel—I'll tell you—scared and resentful.

daughterone wrote:I have it a little better than some. Mother is in assisted living, and has managed her money well. She's been a widow since 1970. But the dementia is something neither one of us can handle. Agressive behavior, unable to remember what day it is, numerous falls, and other factors add to the stress of me and my siblings. I feel bad if I don't feel I visit her enough, she wants me to come everyday, but the conversation consists of the same questions and the same answers she gives. It's a forced conversation and I am usually tired after work, or look forward to my weekends without the agonizing trip to assisted living. She knows that she is not in the best of health, but still wants us to take her on vacations, all expenses paid by her. I agree, it's not only the monetary stress, it's more the physical/mental stress. And yes, we all are living longer these days...I certainly want to. But I know that I could be a problem to my family when I get older. But what's the answer? Hope that we die young and have a good looking corpse? Not me. I hope that in my 80's I still have a functional mind and body to the point that I can still be independent. Don't you?