My New Method of Parenting? Not Giving a Crap
One mom's story of letting go.
— -- (Editor's note: This article originally appeared on Babble.com. It has been reprinted here with permission. The Walt Disney Company is the parent company of both ABC News and Babble.)
I know we all talk a pretty intense game online about “just doing what works for you” and “every family is different” and “mama knows best,” but when it really comes down to it, there’s still a lot of judging about what goes on in the day-to-day of how we operate our family lives.
And sometimes, the most judgement comes from within.
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Like Michael Phelps pretty much swimming against Michael Phelps, I am constantly fighting a battle against myself as a parent. In many ways, I have lived the majority of my parenting life worried that I am failing, scared that I am never doing enough, being enough or giving enough. The unfortunate truth is that, for the most part, I have no clue what I’m doing. And so I do what a lot of parents do: I gauge my own successes and shortcomings against other parents.
Oh, so-and-so only gives their babies formula, huh? At least I breastfeed, even though it (literally) almost killed me!
Oh, so-and-so doesn’t have to work at all, huh? Well, at least I contribute financially!
Oh, so-and-so works full-time and loves it, huh? Well, at least I see my kids all day long!
And so on and so forth until I am left a shred of a woman, bouncing between other families’ strengths and weaknesses and preferences and abilities and situations like an endless, dizzying tennis match.
The truth is, it’s easier sometimes to evaluate our own abilities against others. But the bigger truth is that no one can keep that up for very long without completely losing their minds. And in trying so hard to figure out what works best for other people, we often lose sight of what actually works for our own families.
Which is why I am happy to report that after eight long years, countless sleepless nights and a whole lot of anxious questioning over everything I have done wrong, I am firmly embracing the beauty of Not-Giving-a-Crap Parenting.
What’s that you say? You’re not familiar with Not-Giving-a-Crap Parenting? You’re not sure if you can employ this particular professional parenting philosophy? Allow me to enlighten you.
Not-Giving-a-Crap Parenting means fully, fully embracing the beauty of not caring how or why other parents do what they do. Not-Giving-a-Crap Parenting means listening to your gut more. Not-Giving-a-Crap Parenting means never justifying your own decisions, even in your head and most definitely not explaining to your mailwoman, grocery store clerk or neighbor why exactly you aren’t able to breastfeed, cloth diaper or give birth naturally this time.
It means not doing endless research when you decide to formula-feed, linking virtual evidence to prove you are making the right choice.
It means not trying to find fault with that perfect mom at school pickup area to try to make yourself feel better.
It means not spending a second thought when another parent announces they are staying home, working, sleeping through the night, crying it out, co-sleeping, starting daycare, skipping preschool, starting homeschool, going on vacation, buying a new house, vaccinating, breastfeeding, baby wearing, formula feeding, forward facing, going gluten-free, joining a gym or (gasp) giving up coffee.
Because honestly? I’m willing to bet other people don’t care as much about our parenting as we think they do. Most of us are just trying to figure it out for ourselves. And sure, while we may indulge in some passing judgment as we go about our days, that judgment is more a reflection of our own insecurities as parents than anything else.
Not-Giving-a Crap-Parenting is about embracing all of that -- it’s about being secure in the fact that we can’t know it all and rather than obsess about how our choices and decisions stack up against others, we can be confident that heck, it doesn’t matter anyways. It doesn’t matter what that other mom does and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter what that other mom thinks of your parenting, either.
It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s one that is incredibly hard to implement in real life. But for the first time, I am definitely embracing it. It’s so much less exhausting to focus my energy on figuring out what feels best for me and my family instead of constantly comparing.
So if you need me, I’ll most likely be over here, drinking my fourth cup of coffee, letting my kids watch just a teensy bit too much TV this morning, being OK with being the type of mom who needs a clean house for sanity, and taking this parenting thing one step at a time. And not giving a crap what my inner critic has to say about that.
