Nanny Confidential: Tales of Dads Who Don't Wear Pants and Moms Who Need a Friend
Tales include a dad who didn't wear pants and a mom who needed a friend.
— -- intro: There are few relationships more delicate than they nanny-family one. Putting your child in the care of a virtual stranger -- at least at the beginning -- is nerve-wracking, indeed.
"The nanny-parent relationship is "critically important," said Tammy Gold, a therapist and certified parent coach, and author of the book "Secrets of the Nanny Whisperer: A Practical Guide for Finding and Achieving the Gold Standard of Care for Your Child."
While most parents strive to make their kids' nannies happy, there are always exceptions. And sometimes there are just weird families.
Read on for 10 strange-but-true tales and Gold's advice for each.
quicklist: 1title: Changing Accents text: From a nanny in Miami: "I once worked for a family who wanted my accent in Spanish to be more like Colombian Spanish and not Spanish as I speak it from Puerto Rico. Neither the dad or the mom were from Colombia or even from a Spanish-speaking country, but the father was obsessed that I try to learn the different accent or tweak mine. Which made me feel uncomfortable."
Gold says: "Parents can get very caught up about the nanny speaking a certain language. They can even hyper focus on a specific language and accent of that language as this family did. Of course, any family has the right to choose which type of employee they want. However, language requests should not come before quality of the caregiver. I tell parents to outline their musts (what they must have in the employee in order to hire them, days, hours, salary) and their pluses (a benefit if the applicant should have this). Focusing on language narrows your pool greatly. Also, in this care you want to be mindful to not disrespect anyone in any way. Asking her to change her language of origin would not be something normally required to care for a child.
quicklist: 2title: Mom Needs a Friend text: From a nanny in Houston: "There was a mom who I worked for where I think I was paid to be her best friend. She would often leave the children with the housekeeper and ask me to go to lunch with her or shopping with her, almost like I was paid to care for her. The mom was very nice, but at times it made me feel really uncomfortable because sometimes I had to choose between her and her children (Should I go to lunch with her or play Lego's with her son?).
Gold says: "This a very complex relationship because it is professional, but in the most personal domain and many times the lines can be blurred. Parents can avoid this by creating a work agreement with their new or current nanny so that they can outline their wants and needs as employers and the nanny can outline her wants and needs as the employee. This nanny wanted to care for children and that is the job for which she applied. Although it was really nice that the mom wanted to spend time with her and treated her well, the nanny wanted to be caring for the children and she was not doing her job to the best of her ability because she was worried about how her choices would affect the mother.
quicklist: 3title: Organic Goes Extreme text: From a nanny in San Francisco: "I worked for a family that wanted only organic foods in the home -- totally organic and made from certain items. I was not allowed to eat their food, and if I brought in my own it had to be in a bag separate and away from their food. They also wanted me to cook clean organic meals, which was normally not a problem but they had 2-year-old twins. It was impossible for me to get fresh fish each day, chop fresh veggies, which I got at a different store, and prepare it while watching the children."
Gold says: "It is a huge benefit if your nanny can cook and help parents, especially working parents ... allowing them more quality time with their children when they return home. Many nannies love to cook and will not mind making extra portions of what they are cooking for the children. However, cooking with young children is a safety issue. Just because you are able to cook, shop [and] cut veggies with two toddlers in tow does not mean your nanny can do this easily. A young toddler demands constant supervision. Imagine two little ones. In this instance, I spoke with the parents as a therapist because, with hot plates, pots and knifes everywhere, and the boys being unable to sit still while she was cooking, it just seemed like an accident waiting to happen. If nannies cook, it should be done only when the children are napping or when older children can safely watch themselves alone."
quicklist 4: title: Who's the Boss? text: From a nanny in Los Angeles: "I worked in a house where I was brought in by the husband during his separation from the wife. Technically, I reported to him and he would tell me one set of directions and his wife would tell me something completely different. Though he hired and paid me, I spent most of my time with the wife and it was becoming extremely uncomfortable to be in the middle, never knowing who I should take directions from on which day."
Gold says: "During divorce, having a nanny can be a huge help to children. I have worked with many divorcing couples to implement an unbiased caregiver who would stay with the children and know the schedules and ins and outs when the children moved from mom's to dad's house. Having that loving caregiver who always stayed with the children regardless of location made the children feel comfortable and eased any tension that came from mom and dad divorcing. However, in this case, it put the employee in a tough situation because the parents did not speak before hiring the nanny and the mom was resentful. If someone is going to be hired, she should report to both parents equally so that there is unbiased care and unbiased opinions to best help the children during that time. I usually advice to the parents to tell the nanny that they are both splitting her salary, even if that is not the case, so there is no ability to defer to one parent over the other. Usually this works well. But in a situation [such] as this, it really put the nanny in an uncomfortable and in-the-dark situation, which is not professional.
quicklist: 5 title: Bed Sharing (With Another Nanny) text: From a nanny on Long Island: "I started a new job with another Filipino nanny and, when it came time for us to go to bed, the mom showed us our room and we were sharing a bed. Eventually, it worked out, as we became friends, but we were total strangers and it was uncomfortable to sleep next to someone I did not know at all."
Gold says: "A live-in nanny has a right to a proper private space so that she can go to her room and be "off," recharge and get ready for the next day. You cannot just assume that someone will feel comfortable sharing a room with someone, let alone a bed, and this needs to be asked of the candidates in advance before they come. I have heard many live-in nannies say, 'I don't care where I sleep,' and others say, 'I am a professional and I want my own room, bathroom, TV.' Items like this need to be thought about, as this is not just a guest but an employee -- and her comfort and privacy needs to be respected."
quicklist: 6 title: Crying Poverty With a Brand-New Kitchen text: From a New York City nanny: "I worked with a family who refused to pay an extra $20 a week. I asked and they told me many stories about not having the money and how hard they had to work. However, over the year I was there they re-did their entire kitchen with top-of-the-line everything -- the best marble, high end stove tops, fancy ovens. How could they say that they could not afford to pay me yet afford the new kitchen. It made me very resentful."
Gold says: "A good caregiver is one of the most important purchases you will ever make, as this person will help shape your child's personality and, if they are young, have an impact on their brain growth and social attachments. I love to save money and never advocate spending other people's money, but care-giving is not the place to scrimp, especially if someone is in the home and can see other expensive items. I have advocated on behalf of many parents, explaining why they could not afford a nanny candidate's high fee request when the parents truly could not afford an extra penny. However, if you can afford it and do not, the nanny will become resentful, and you want the person who is caring for your children to be happy, positive and full-focused on your child."
quicklist: 7 title: Never Speak to the Babytext: From a nanny in Greenwich, Connecticut: "One mom I worked for was straight-up crazy. First, she made me literally stare at the monitor when the baby was sleeping -- literally just stare, which I was doing, but I also needed to fold laundry and clean the bottles while doing [it] and she got angry for not just staring at the little boy sleeping. Then she told me never to speak when he was cooing or trying to make sounds. I had never heard of this before, and I was used to doing a lot of talking to babies. Last, the more the baby liked me, the more angry she seemed to get -- and it was like she was trying to find mistakes I would make to let me go."
Gold says: "As a therapist, the mom-nanny relationship is one of the most complex ones I have seen. If the employee does well and the baby really adores the nanny, sometimes the mother can feel threatened and get angry. It's very hard to be strictly "professional" when it comes to your child. A nanny's job is to essentially [to] "love their boss's child," which stirs up a whole host of emotions. Moms need to be clear about their rules and their wants in a professional and calm manner, as this is a professional relationship. Also, moms should not see the nanny as a threat, as attachment psychology teaches us that [there are] many benefits of children bonding to other positive and devoted caregivers. Moms need to know that nannies will never, ever take their place and it is a great thing if their child loves the nanny and allows the mom to take a break to focus on herself and her needs.
quicklist: 8 title: A Maid for Mom text: From a nanny in Fort Lauderdale, Florida: "One mom used to bring [me] to clean her mother's house on Monday mornings. I did it for many years but I felt sad inside, as this was not part of my job and not something I was getting paid to do. Whenever the mother had a party or needed something, she would make me go there after work, too."
Gold says: "Nannies are professionals and they work for you. If you are not using your nanny you cannot lend her out as one would a vacuum! Certainly, if there is a time you do not need the nanny, such as mornings or during the summer, you can speak to the nanny to see if she would be interested working elsewhere so you would not have to pay for those hours. But that needs to be done upfront and the nanny has every right to say no since that was not a part of her initial job. I have seen many families who want to keep the nanny but can no longer afford [to pay her] full-time do a nanny share or find her part-time hour work. But again, it needs to be a two-person discussion.
quicklist: 9 title: Dad Doesn't Wear Pants text: From a nanny in New York City: "One house was the most insane ever. The dad opened the door in just his boxers, which made me totally uncomfortable. He stayed talking to me that way for 15 minutes. The place was a wreck -- stuff everywhere, dishes piled to the ceiling, the parents were screaming at each other. The girl was crying, the two older boys were fighting and one of them who was 5 1/2 was not potty trained. I did my best cleaning up the diapers, trying to tidy the house. Rather than pay for a cab, they had me take the boys and the girl across the park to school, and it was cold and the older one kept running away. The parents were no help and barely gave me any directions. The dad worked at home and was really rough with the older son. I made it a week and, on Friday, left not being able to take it anymore."
Gold says: "Being a nanny is a hard job. The plusses are working with children, getting hugs, kisses, teaching them and caring for them. The not-so-great items are dirty diapers, handling sick children, tantrums, fighting and working in a domestic home. Parents need to understand that good nannies are assessing them as much as you are interviewing the candidates. If the families seem out-of-control, if the parents do not support the children's behavior, if there is no set schedule and it seems too chaotic, they will just find a better job. Parents need to be employers as well and, just as you would when sharing an office with someone, have professional courtesy and respect so that the nannies can do their job to the best of their ability."
quicklist: 10 title: 8 is Enough text: From a New York City nanny: "This one family took me to France and it was beautiful -- but instead of taking care of the two children, I was instead in charge of the cousin's children, too. There were eight of them and it was too much. And when I talked to them, mom, she started screaming about how ungrateful I was that I was taken to Nice, eating the finest food, staying in a five-star hotel and flying private, and how on earth could I complain and be so ungrateful. It was crazy."
Gold says: "If a nanny is working in a one-room studio or a palace, it is still a job and it can be a long, tiring job. If the nanny agrees to travel with you, outlines, schedules and rules need to be discussed upfront. Parents can express the wishes they have to make the trip smooth, and many nannies sleep with the children so parents can get some much-deserved quality time. But parents usually pay more for any added hours, travel time and certainly for additional children. Eight children near a pool is a safety risk, especially for one person. Parents have to understand [that] whether it's vacation or home, it is the same to the nanny -- and all professional items need to be discussed and outlined ahead of time so that everyone is on the same page.
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