Transcript for How to talk about death, sex, money, family and identity
Pandemic many of us have learned to adapt if not outright change as we've experienced tremendous loss struggles with money and re evaluating relationships. Joining us now is analysts say I'll host of new York public radio's debt sex and money and altar of the new book let's talk about hard things and a thank you so much for being with us tonight. Thank you for having me. So let's talk about hard things really delves deep into the complexities and relationships of people have within the subjects of debt sex and money family and identity why is specific five subjects are necessary and to unpack in order to have a better grasp on discussing in navigating difficult conversations. Should. Well the Whelan Janet link. In different ways and I think even know all of us are all alongside each other struggling with these big things such come we often don't share we don't. Talk about them and their friends are we turn grass true whereas we were having a hard conversation with arch. Our partners spouses bush as I wanted to spoke to be kind of a guidebook for what. What is you'd try and you have more earned kind of descriptive conversations about these hard things share with each other bush so. You aren't necessarily trying to fix these hard things but sharing how you're experiencing them together. And the book of course comes as the global community is still suffering from the impacts of cove in nineteen. How pandemic influence are or change how you communicate in an approach these times. Deanna I mean one of the arguments and the book is that the way that America has changed in the last you know fifty years decades his bench who used to have more rituals and conventions to sort of steam in Denver in these hard conversations and that's been a long trend historically in America that has changed. And then it was an abrupt acceleration during the pandemic of you know even if you like you can gather say around and death or something and not have to put words to it before the pandemic all of a sudden if you lost someone in your life and then you were trying to reach out to someone else who was greeting which. You have to figure out. How to use words to express care you couldn't just. Hug them at the end of a receiving line bush and so I want institute how does to abuse replace where reach. To hear a lot of different stories about what people shared you know this helps need when I was in deep grief hearing this kind of thing like. Like I'm so sorry I miss him to get in and take a long time to feel normal instead of something like. You know I had an egg in need somebody his sandwich you'll kind somebody else after she lost her partner when she was pretty young claimed. To find words that sort of neat people in the hard thing instead of trying to problem solve that her fix it for them. Right just kind of meet them where they are having and that's why a lot of people kind of push these conversations off because their hard rates they trying to enjoy it. Talking about them and of course your book is about confronting. These are hard topics and invulnerability openness communication how that can help unburdened the pressures of of dealing with life experiences all on your own we'll also emphasized knowing the limits that you should have as far as what you share and whom you're sharing with in. Sometimes even not saying anything at all why is putting boundaries on how you tell your experience equally as important as when you choose to share them. Well you know you can sort of you know like how someone is coming to me. It saves someone wants to come T you wouldn't say I wanna talk you about this card saying something the conflict in that they've been happening or something. And you are you know on your waiter didn't. It's. All you know it's not a link and you steel. And where this person also engine that straight now. Bringing you commissioned to say. This conversation and when I'm wondering can give you my whole attention. In the icing is percent when you're dealing with really hard things and I'm not arguing the need to and when you're there are certain relationships where. You might have noticed a girl ring Yiddish or hurt by someone may be someone has not willing to really listen tube. What seen something as honest years are. So it's about shrine dating in being Nino intentional about doing your life can really repeat that purse and and Syrian. And you can and when they're telling you something hard and an increase in bet part of yourself because you aren't being open about something barge. I'm so. I'm not arguing for all of us labs and streams and certainly on private information. War the argument of the book is that we and you are going hard saying. We knew me an end to trying to about it was someone in your Weis went bad does it doesn't mean darn thing go away but it lists. Shame. The happiness of stigma. Isolation. In the gives you some company. Well you nurture. And honestly you one thing that resonated as wild was hit. The idea that just because your having these conversations about the hard things it doesn't always mean that you're gonna find a resolution. Can you explain why letting go and accepting things that cannot be changed is a significant step in the past where healing. Yeah I mean anything to prison she'll raise I think a successful art conversations. Does not need to end in a resolution sometimes. You have something that you need to say to someone in your life and they are gonna ever really different read. And you can intimate conversation went well now we know we really disagree. About this fundamental thing thumbs and secondly sometimes you can be talking about a current thing over and over again with someone in her eyes trying to. Resolves armed conflict that's not be in just more unwind. Sometimes you have that conversation again and again and it doesn't move and it doesn't stray shift. That could be telling you okay. Weakens patents hard numbers we are not income. Your resolution or at least we mean it breaks from your nest of each other son who is also important when you're talking about different things to know when to. Well this is easy this was not at all hard conversation and I completely thank you so much for your insight for talking with us tonight. Let's talk about hard things available where ever books are sold.
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