7 Ways Parents Could Get Instantly Rich Off Their Kids

— -- (Editor's Note: This article first appeared on Babble.com. It has been reprinted here with permission. Disney is both the parent company of ABC News and Babble.)

There’s some place outside of Boston that’s paying people $40 a day for their poop. By my estimation, if my children were to participate, and if I took a 10-15 percent cut as their momager, I could retire in roughly eight months.

According to Boston.com, OpenBiome is the only independent nonprofit stool bank in the country, and it “collects, tests and provides fecal samples to 122 hospitals in 33 states for one of the most interesting medical treatment innovations today: fecal microbiota transplantation.”

That is interesting, but what’s even more interesting is the idea that I can profit off of my kids for stuff they’re already doing that’s not costing me anything (except for maybe some sleep and dignity).

Here are 7 ways I would make a mint off my kids without ever leaving home (you know, other than to make deposits at the poop bank):

1. Whining

Surely there’s a social scientist out there just waiting for the perfect subjects to decipher exactly why they whine and what each whine means. Of course, as a mom, I am pretty good at differentiating between even the most minute decibel levels (perhaps the difference between someone stealing an M&M and a treasured rock being misplaced, for instance). But I don’t claim to be an expert.

However, should a trained professional with the right budget need the perfect whiners, may I present my kids, who could rival any middle school band with their cacophony of complaints.

2. Fighting

I’m sure my kids love each other. This, despite the fact that they spend approximately 78 percent of each day engaged in World War IV. They don’t do as much damage as, say, members of Fight Club (although even if they did, it’s not like I’d be at liberty to acknowledge it). But their words and claws can be vicious enough that I’d hazard a guess and say someone might pay us to come over and shoot a documentary on two little girls with the biggest hairpin triggers this side of the Mississippi.

3. Knock Knock Jokes

If I had a dollar for each of my kids’ knock knock jokes, and even more specifically, for those that make absolutely no sense and are based on nothing even remotely humorous, I could pick up the tab at every bar everywhere in perpetuity. Of course I wouldn’t start paying until I bought myself enough liquor to drown out the noise of incessant knocking.

4. Saturday Morning Alarm Clock

Why set my alarm clock on Saturday morning when I know my kids will appear in my face at the precise time I appear in theirs on weekday mornings — only to have them cry and mewl about being too tired to get up. Yet on weekends, there they are. Up, alert, and ready to start the day with me at their side and at their service. If I had a dollar for each time this passed, I could hire someone for them to bother in the mornings instead.

5. Messes