Transformers, and the Transformation of Popular '80s Toys

July 4, 2007 — -- At last, the Transformers have a movie. Well, they had a movie before, but they finally have a live-action movie.

The Transformers themselves won't be live-action of course. No amount of nostalgia justifies an action movie with guys in plastic robot outfits. But these days "live action" means "less than 85 percent CGI," so our transforming friends will be animated characters interacting with human beings, just like that one video where Paula Abdul dances with MC Skat Kat. Exactly like that.

Assuming the Transformers movie makes a ton of money, we're going to see a scramble in Hollywood as producers snap up the rights to any and all toys from the '80s to turn them into action-packed, PG-13 special effects retro-ganzas. I'm going to outline a few possibilities, so that once the movies get made I can file a nuisance suit and get paid off.

A computer virus called M.I.S.F.I.T.S. gains control of S.Y.N.E.R.G.Y, an experimental government holographic generator. The virus creates a group of artificial cybernetic beings bent on murder. In response, beautiful hacker Jessica Benton reprograms the generator to give her cybernetic enhancements and create a cadre of holographic warriors to back her up as she goes after the malevolent Misfits. Then they play crappy New Wave tunes.

Catch Phrase of the Summer: "Jem is excitement. Jem is adventure. Jem is kicking your a--."

Fan Complaints: In the original, Jessica changes into Jem by touching her earrings. In this movie she changes by touching her bracelet.

In the future, justice will be served -- with lasers! Evil gangs of thugs roam the streets -- with lasers! The Elite Lazer Tag Force is charged with stopping these immoral criminals -- with lasers! The climactic battle takes place in an enclosed, fog-filled arena -- with lasers! It looks like the good guys are about to lose, when the leader of the Elite Force realizes that he can't be hurt if he just takes off his stupid chest sensor. With, uh, lasers?