Funnies: A Halliburton Wedding

A roundup of the late-night comics.

Late Show

David Letterman: The Texas Rangers beat the Baltimore Orioles 30-3. ... The Orioles were actually ahead 3-0, and then they made the mistake of putting up the "Mission Accomplished" banner.

The Tonight Show

Jay Leno: I don't want to say McCain's campaign is broke, but today he held a big rally at the 99 cent store. That's not a good sign, not a good sign.

The Daily Show

Jon Stewart: In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the president's effort to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way, and that our only mistake was not starting that war, but ending it...
President Bush: Here at home, some can argue our withdrawal from Vietnam carried no price for American credibility, but the terrorists see it differently.
Stewart: Oh my god, we're going back into Vietnam.

Late Night

Conan O'Brien: Republican presidential candidate Duncan Hunter revealed that he drives a Chevy Suburban with 274,000 miles on it. Yeah, despite all those miles, the Suburban still has a much better chance of making it to the '08 election than Duncan Hunter.

The Tonight Show

Leno: According to gossip columnist Liz Smith, Paris Hilton has been asked to campaign for Hillary Clinton. Yeah, I believe it was Bill that asked her, if I'm not mistaken.

Late Show

Letterman: Here is some great news: One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. How about that. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. And I guess this is no surprise, the $3 billion contract has gone to Halliburton.