Funnies: Osama Thinks He's Oprah

Jan. 22, 2005 — -- A roundup of the late-night comics.

Leno: Big story. Osama bin Laden has released another tape. Actually, it's the first tape he's released since December of 2004. God, this guy takes longer to put out new stuff than "The Sopranos."

Stephen Colbert: Conversely, a tip of the hat to the Supreme Court for upholding Oregon's assisted suicide law. Got the right idea guys. Let's get rid of as many of these tree huggers as we can. I've said it before: Oregon is the Canada of California.

Letterman: Ladies and gentleman, it's time right now for a brand new segment, we've never done this on the program. It's simply entitled, "George W. Bush, What?!?"
President Bush [on tape]: I just went there. A guy yelled out in the corn pit: "Hook 'em horns." So, I hooked 'em, and now I own a lot of corn.
Letterman: What?!?

Stewart: White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan defended the NSA spying program.
Scott McClellan [at press conference]: This has been successful in helping to prevent attacks. And that's what's important to look at. … If it helps prevent one attack, it's a useful tool.
Stewart: Ironically, President Bush's nickname for Scott McClellan [is] also "useful tool."

Leno: And former Vice President Al Gore attacked the Bush administration's use of wiretapping and torture to combat terrorism. Gore said Bush has created a police state. And here's the ironic part: Even in a police state, Al Gore could not get arrested. Amazing.

O'Brien: Everyone [is] talking about the new Osama bin Laden audio tape. … [He] releases these audiotapes from time to time, and this one is strange. It has a lot of strange things on this audiotape. In his latest audiotape message, Osama bin Laden recommends a book that all Americans should read. You can tell bin Laden is hungry for power because now he thinks he's Oprah.