FUNNIES: Red, White and Flood

A roundup of the late-night comics.

The Tonight Show

Jay Leno: Did you hear about this? The House has passed a bill to fund President Bush's plan to send a man to Mars. The man he's sending to Mars? The editor of The New York Times.

The Tonight Show

Leno: Military commanders in Iraq say the day is fast approaching when we will start withdrawing our troops. I believe that day is called Election Day.

The Daily Show

Jon Stewart: This week, the flag [burning] debate took up nearly two full days in the Senate. … In the end, the amendment fell one short of passing the United States Senate. But as Sen. [Orrin] Hatch explained, the motivation was pure.

Hatch [on tape]: Bringing it up at this time is certainly not an election-year ploy -- because we have Democrats and Republicans that feel very deeply about this. It is bipartisan. Last time we brought it up, it was the year 2000.

Stewart: And that wasn't an election-- Oh…

Late Night

Conan O'Brien: This week Washington, D.C., received a foot of rain, and part of the IRS building was flooded. Yeah. The bad news? Part of the IRS building was not flooded.

The Tonight Show

Leno: In fact, heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C., today, they had to close down the National Archives -- you know, where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. You know, luckily the Bush administration is not using the Constitution anymore. But, oh my God, if we-- You know what I'm saying? If we had been using it, this would have been a terrible thing.

The Colbert Report

Colbert: Well, last week, The New York Times did it again folks. Now, I don't want to give too much information away on what they revealed. … Let's just say this revelation has to do with tracking bank records. It's a complex story, so let me simplify it for you. The New York Times wants you and your family dead.