Teens in Foster Care Hold Out Hope for Adoption

June 2, 2006— -- Ruben experienced rejection early in his life when his father left his mother and his four siblings.

Then he and his siblings were taken away from their mother because of neglect. Three of Ruben's siblings were adopted together, and an older sister is now an adult who has aged out of the system.

Ruben is the only one left in the foster-care system, and he is alone. The feeling of repeated rejection has devastated him.

"I don't really know how to explain it," Ruben, now 18, said. "It hurts a lot to be rejected."

Some experts say that repeated rejection makes children less optimistic about prospective families and their future.

"When kids get rejected, it just means that next time, when a family comes forward, they're less likely to trust that it's going to work out," said Elana Mesch, Ruben's social worker.

Older children like Ruben are the hardest to remove from the foster-care system. Many children who reach their teens never get adopted.

"People are sort of surprised that an 18-year-old would still want a family, and that's what I hope Ruben would help people to understand -- that you're not too old for a family," Mesch said.

Since he entered foster care 10 years ago, Ruben has lived in 10 different homes and attended 11 different schools.

"As I've been moved from home to home, I never got comfortable," Ruben said. "I never found a place to say I'm home."

Finding a Friend

In the absence of stable, loving homes, one alternative for foster children is mentoring. Through the AdoptMent program, which is based in New York City, foster children meet once a week with mentors who were once foster kids themselves.

"We see grades go up. We see behavioral changes," said April Dinnywood, founder of the AdoptMent. "We see a lot more sharing of feelings."

Former foster child Doug Anderson just retired as an executive vice president at a major investment firm, and he now dedicates his time to mentoring other foster children in the program.

"I ate out of a garbage can as a child and ended up being an executive vice president on Wall Street," Anderson said. "You can do it. These kids need someone to let them know that they can succeed. They need a little help, a little push, someone other than the system."

Often, volunteers are surprised to find that that mentoring can be a two-way street.

"It surprises me how she teaches me about myself," Kristen Rak said of her mentoree, Shani.

"She's the only friend I really have, the only person I can really talk to and find answers in her," Shani said of Rak. "And she's actually kind of fun for a white girl."

Opening Your Home

The other solution for youth like Shani and Ruben is for families to adopt older foster children. Amy and Dan Matthews of Millbury, Ohio, adopted six sisters from foster care so the girls wouldn't be separated.

"Every single person out there can go to their county and could ask 'What can I do?'" Amy Matthews said. "Every person watching this could make a difference somehow. There's too many children in foster care."

Matthews says she sees love like she's never seen in her life when she sees her six growing foster daughters.

"I can't imagine life without my kids," she said. "I think it's better than any money in the world, anything. Love's about making memories because at the end of the day, all you have is memories. You don't have money. You don't have things. When you die, all your children have is memories."

Keeping the Faith

Ruben says he still holds out hope that he will find that kind of love. Child advocates helped him make a video, a kind of advertisement for love for prospective parents.

"What I need is a mom and a dad," Ruben says on the tape. "Not need, but I really want a mom and a dad."

Without adopted parents, Ruben still clings to the only one he knows -- his mother. She died a few years after her children were removed from the home.

"He is fiercely loyal to her still, and every year on the anniversary of her death he'll let a balloon go in the sky," Mesch said. "He speaks very, very highly of her, in spite of having been removed from her home."

Ruben wants to make his mother happy, despite their past.

"What my mother wanted me to do is be happy, and do good, and that's what I'm trying to do -- make my mother's wishes come true," Ruben said.

He has not given up hope he will find a family.

"If I keep waiting and being rejected, it makes me a stronger person," Ruben said. "You can't stop, you'll lose. I'm not a loser. I just want to be a winner."

If you are interested in adopting or reaching out to Ruben, call 212-676-WISH.