Foreign Ministers Yuk It Up at ASEAN

B A N G K O K, Thailand, Aug. 1, 2000 -- In black bowler hat, with a rhythmic swing of the hips, Secretary of State Madeleine Albright played the vamp for her last role at a ritual concert by delegates to close the Association of South East Asian Nations’ annual security forum in Bangkok last Friday.

“Thanks for the memories,” she crooned after the stage opened to her silhouetted in black, her backup singers including spokesman Richard Boucher, human rights supremo Harold Koh and top North Korean adviser Wendy Sherman.

But the lyrics of the song, whose performance by Bob Hope she imitated by using a golf club like a cane, Cabaret-style, were not quite as the U.S. singer would have recalled.

To Thai Foreign Minister Surin Pitsuwan and Philippine Foreign Secretary Domingo Siazon, Albright paused for dramatic effect and belted out: “Don’t worry boys, you can mess around in my internal affairs anytime.”

Of Foreign Minister Paek Nam-Sun of North Korea, until recently called a “rogue state” by Washington, she sang: “Used to think he was a rogue, but here at ARF he’s so in vogue.”

Earlier Albright and Paek held their countries’ highest level meeting since the Korean War of 1950-53, with just months to go until President Clinton leaves office in January.

Seeking to engage rather than isolate the Stalinist state with a missile program, Washington has recently stopped calling it a “rogue state,” naming it a “state of concern” instead.

‘Knowing Me, Knowing EU, Ah-ha’

The skits performed by delegations from among 10 ASEAN countries and their dialogue partners included a Chinese drum dance, a cacophony of Korean percussion and an Indian version of Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream.

A version of a song by ABBA was led by European Foreign Affairs Commissioner Chris Patten and Swedish Foreign Minister Anna Lindh, who was wearing a blonde wig and glittery costume.

They hinted at the traditional rivalry between the United States and its strongest ally, singing, “Knowing me, knowing EU, ah-hah, We are not the Clinton crew. Knowing me, knowing EU, ah-hah, We have come from Brussels to put our view.”

Thailand’s Surin stole the show by warbling a prayer-like verse to humorous lyrics while reclining, madeup and in embroidered dress, collapsing in hysterics every second line and taking the entire audience with him.

It was all about stereotypes but the good-natured event in a plush hotel raised giggles and gasps from the whole crowd.

Canada had a laugh at its own expense, playing up its notional inferiority complex by singing of its angst at having to try to be wittier — “Our least favorite thing.”

It was “musical multilateralism,” where everyone sang the same song to their own tune, said a Canadian troupe member.

Japanese Foreign Minister Yohei Kono staged a charming magic show, pulling a string of different flags out of a hat.

‘With a Lil’ Bit of Albright’

Australia had what many in the audience agreed was the rowdiest, and one of the funniest, performances.Foreign Minister Alexander Downer led a rendition of “Mamba No. 5.” Downer replaced “A little bit of you makes me your man” with a growling: “A little bit of Madeleine in my hand.”

True to form, Albright did not miss the chance to send out a message to China, whose foreign minister was also present, and to make a joking reference to U.S. hegemonism.

Tang Jiaxuan was one of her favorite men — “But when you’re not so sweet, I call the Seventh Fleet. That’s the American way!” she sang.

For Russia, she touched on differences over NATO intervention in Kosovo and National Missile Defense, a shield opposed by Moscow and Beijing that is being considered to fend off potential attacks by unaligned states, including North Korea. “Kosovo, NMD, the hallmarks of hegemony. That’s the American way!”

She ended her final ASEAN fling thanking the delegates for the memories: “And strictly entre nous, darlings, I love all of you. Awfully glad I met you, cheerio and toodle-oo.”