Answers From Kimberly Williams

Jan. 29, 2008— -- "20/20" asked viewers to submit their questions about family anger to Kimberly Williams, a psychologist specializing in neuropsychological evaluations, cognitive behavioral therapy, and parent training at the NYU Child Study Center.

Her responses are posted below.

My 15-year-old son gets very angry and has put holes in his wall. He does not get into fights, but I am very concerned about his emotional health. What can I do to help him better deal with his anger and stress that he feels?—Mike

ANSWER: When a 15-year-old exerts his aggression in a way that is damaging to people or property, his anger is serious. Both his anger and reactions are clearly a sign of some underlying stressors he cannot express with words and he has feelings that are very uncomfortable to deal with. His emotional health is at risk and he needs to improve his frustration tolerance and problem solving tools. Also, remember that working through these issues will be a family endeavor.

I have a 16-year-old with a sense of entitlement that so far has gone unearned. My husband and I struggle with boundaries with him and his choices. He is good kid … no drug use, basketball team member and he is getting good grades. But we are at a loss. It is affecting my other two children and my sons and my relationship started off with me at a young parenting age and very little skills. But there has been therapy and I have sent him through a rite of passage weekend and my husband and I are always willing to hear their feelings and talk with them. I do not know what to do! —Monica

ANSWER: Parents often share that they have tried therapy, worry about their parenting skills, and feel at a loss. I truly empathize with your distress. However, what you also shared is that you and your husband struggle with setting boundaries. This makes it easier for your son's sense of entitlement to "shake up" the household. Your son is a good kid, but not using drugs and studying is what he should do, and not be used as a bargaining tool by him or you. Instead, dust off your tools learned in therapy. While being available to listen to his feelings, set appropriate limits and consistently stand by the limits that you set. The hardest part is remaining calm, firm, and standing by your word when his frustration erupts. Sooner rather than later, you'll regain your parental respect and the whole family will benefit.