Can We Not: Four 90s Trends That Should Stay Dead

PHOTO: Willow Smith and Jaden Smith attend the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards at the Barclays Center, looking fly as hell. Stephen Lovekin/FilmMagic
Willow Smith and Jaden Smith attend the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards at the Barclays Center, looking fly as hell.

The most important thing to have happened at this year's VMAs was, very obviously, Willow Smith's tattoo choker necklace. These necklaces were one of my favorite things from the internet's current favorite decade, the 90s. They were very Suburban Goth-Lite Chic in the vein of The Craft and Wet Seal.

This, then, is a 90s trend that should and must return. But that's not to say that we should welcome the 90s back wholesale like a prodigal son, forgiving all its previous crushed-velvet, empire-waisted trespasses. The 90s are already back in a huge way, of course, with the rise of neon and overalls and crop tops, and lists about remembering Lisa Frank products. But there are still more trends to either summon back from the dead, or hope remain buried, 4ever.

  • 1. Big Hoop Earrings
  • This is a trend I have, admittedly, never actually retired. And while teeny tiny, delicate jewelry is pretty and fresh and whatever, some of us want to make more of a statement when we remove our earrings while repeatedly screaming "hold my earrings." Fashion goddesses Kelly Bundy and MC Lyte knew what worked.

  • 2. Minimalism
  • This might seem to directly contradict the previous entry, but Calvin Klein's iconic, restrained 90s runway looks are now classic and will never not be in style.

  • 3. Giant-ass Pants
  • Stick with me on this. Like any other young New York City professional asshole, I wear skinny pants so often that they have become grafted to my pasty, doughy, marshmallowy legs. And I look phenomenal, obviously. But I would look better in baggy pants and a tiny top, because this is a look that just works. Look at these happy/horrified jumping girls at the top of the page. They are horrified that the proportions of your outfit make you look straight-up like a radish on a popsicle stick, and happy that they look like all sleek and comfortable and crop-toppy. Plus they can hide contraband in their pant legs, like candy or knives or puppies.

  • 4. Baby-Doll Dresses
  • I understand that, in a very general sense, there is something creepy and red flag-esque about a grown woman dressing like a little girl. And, after all, we sometimes use the term "kinderwhore" to describe the high-waisted dresses and chunky Mary Jane shoes often associated with this trend. But while elements of this style can be cute and pretty, if you're into looking cute and pretty, they can also make a big statement. Think Courtney Love, Kat Bjelland and other decidedly punk / riot grrrl / grunge / feminist music acts of the 90s that subverted and satirized ideas of beauty and femininity.

  • 1. Bucket Hats
  • Are you going fishing and/or are you a dad on vacation? No? Then burn these and using them for fuel once you've been ostracized from society for wearing them in public.

  • 2. Puka-Shell Necklaces
  • I bought these from Pac Sun and wore them with baggy cargo pants and V-neck t-shirts. I didn't have a lot of friends.

  • 3. Multiple Tiny Buns
  • She's just being Miley 2.0, but that doesn't mean you have to repeat her mistakes.

  • 4. Thongs
  • Lingerie can be sexy but, like, depending on what you're into I guess, stuff that's been riiiiiight inside someone's bum is generally seen as nasty and probably shouldn't be bandied about unless you're performing in a certain music video. And even then, guys, I dunno.