Ray J's music video for his new single, the Kim Kardashian revenge song "Hit It First," was released today and it's safe to say it's awful. Neither the song nor the video are good. Ray J says the song isn't about Kim... yeah, Ok. The girl in the video has Kim's easily identifiable body, wearing big fake eyelashes and neutral lip gloss, and is posing on a white bed for a homemade sex tape. Really?
In case you still think it's not about Kim, there are cutaway shots of a highway sign pointing west to Chicago when Ray J raps about this mystery girl leaving "to go West" (AKA Kanye West!!! He's from Chicago!!!). And he raps all this while wearing a cutoff denim vest. Yeah, that'll make her want you back. Because who would choose multimillionaire, well-connected rapper Kanye West when you've got denim-vested Ray J?
Let's end this right here. Note to all musicians: if you're going to write a revenge song, make it a good one, and if you're going to shoot a revenge music video, make it an interesting one and not you plus another guy rapping about all the game you have -- all the while standing in front of a private jet alone with each other and a hologram of your ex-girlfriend. If you need to follow by example, here are 6 great revenge songs with even better music videos.
|Justin Timberlake "Cry Me A River"|
This Grammy-winning song (co-penned by the excellent Timbaland) is obviously about Britney Spears even though Justin said it's not (the video even shows a blond girl wearing a newsboy hat).
In the video, Justin breaks into not-Britney's home and films himself hooking up with a sexy brunette on her bed, leaving the tape for not-Britney to not-watch. Great revenge tactic.
|Lily Allen "Smile"|
This was Allen's first hit, and she was so cute and fresh in it that initially you can barely tell it's a revenge song, even when she goes "At first when I see you cry it just makes me smile, I feel bad for a while, but then I just smile".
In the video, the British star pays people to terrorize her cheating ex boyfriend. First, a few people beat the s--- out of him. Then she slips some laxative in his tea. Meanwhile, a few more people are destroying his apartment and stuffing all his clothes into his toilet. So now the laxative has taken effect but he can't use his toilet. Brilliant.
So he goes to her apartment to poop and whine. He tells Allen he's relieved that at least the vandalizers didn't steal his records. But later at his DJing gig he realizes all of his records are scratched. Touché, Lily Allen.
|Cee Lo Green "F--- You"|
We follow young Cee Lo as he walks through a 1950s diner singing "F--- you!" to a cute little girl labeled "the heartbreaker" in the music video. The second verse has teenage Cee Lo working at the same diner trying to impress the same heartbreaker (now a teenager too).
Cee Lo sings, "If I was richer, I'd still be with her. Now ain't that some s---?" (Yes, yes it is some s---.) The final chorus shows Cee Lo as a successful adult. We can tell because he's wearing a suit and driving a convertible. He visits that same diner and now little miss heartbreaker is dressed in rags working as the cleaning lady at the diner. Karma is sweet.
Even though this song isn't about revenge, it fits on the list because her lyrics give off some major attitude.
While her cheating beau is packing his stuff and apologizing, Bey sings, "keep talking that mess, that's fine. But could you walk and talk at the same time?" Ouch.
Then she tells him she knows he was cheating, so to call a cab and leave the keys to his car, because she bought that car. Bam.
And then right before the bridge she sings, "The truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy." Wammy!
|Carrie Underwood "Before He Cheats"|
Not only are the lyrics extremely spiteful -- "I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats... I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires... Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats," -- but the video is too.
Underwood is walking through Nashville looking for her cheating son-of-a-gun boyfriend, who's busy making out with "a bleached-blond tramp...[who's] probably [drinking] some fruity little drink 'cause she can't shoot whiskey". She's ruined his car like she says she does in the chorus, adding a nice touch by scratching her name onto the driver's seat.
The last 30 seconds of the video show Underwood singing her heart out out while store windows are exploding. It's pretty momentous. The song/video even got some critique for being "pro-domestic violence" and a "double standard for women". How much revenge is too much revenge?
|Mariah Carey "Obsessed"|
Mariah's feud with Eminem has been going on since 2002. Apparently the two had a fling, but Em insisted on bringing it up in a bunch of his songs. Mariah denied the relationship, telling Larry King that they were together a total of four times, and that she doesn't "consider that dating somebody." Slim Shady continued insulting her in his songs, so Mariah released "Obsessed" with a video including an Eminem lookalike, played by Mariah herself.
The video is about a stalker who works on the set of her photoshoots and has her pictures all over his walls. At the end of the video Mariah cross-dressed as Eminem... I mean Mariah cross-dressed as her stalker... is on the street taking pictures of Mariah coming out of a hotel when he gets hit by a bus. Ouch.
Eminem's rebuttal was "The Warning". A graphic and upsetting song threatening Mariah with supposed voicemails he kept from their fling, and also insulting Nick Cannon.
|So now you know Ray J:|
If you're going to seek revenge on Kim K for leaving you/marrying a basketball player/dating Kanye/getting pregnant/wearing fake lashes -- what exactly is he spiting?? -- 1) be timely... you're like 6 years too late 2) think of something worth rubbing in her face besides being the first to rub it in her face (which you probably weren't anyway), and 3) maybe instead of a Kim hologram you should've chosen Kourtney and Khloe ones... now THAT would've been a good revenge video.