Despite Charlie Sheen's assertations that Lowe is "a beautiful man" and would make a "fabulous" potential replacement for him on "Two and a Half Men," at a panel in Los Angeles on Wednesday, "Parks and Recreation" executive producer Michael Schur revealed that Lowe has signed a "multiyear contract" with his show.
Schur added that "there's no truth" to the rumors that Lowe will replace Sheen. "The Internet lit a match and set itself on fire," he said, according to The Hollywood Reporter.
On fire indeed. Many online commenters wouldn't mind if Lowe -- or John Stamos, another name that's been bandied about -- stepped into Sheen's shoes. Sheen gave both actors a thumbs up in an interview on Dan Patrick's radio show Wednesday and offered them -- or whoever his successor may be -- some advice:
"What I would advise them to do, though, is just make it their own," Sheen added. "Don't, don't, don't think about anything that I've done brilliantly on the show for 177,000 episodes … but I would just tell them, make it your own."
Indeed, "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre crafted the Charlie Harper character for Sheen, not for any other actor. Do both love to drink? Check. Both drawn to multiple women at a time? Check. Both prone to fits of rage? Check.
But surely a man not fueled by "tiger blood" or built with "Adonis DNA" could play the similarly-minded uncle, cousin, long lost best friend or secret half-brother of TV's most loved playboy. (Isn't that why they call it acting?) Considering the studio suits probably have their hands full with threats from Sheen's lawyer and the potential loss of hundreds of millions of dollars of revenue, we thought we'd throw them a line.
Below, 10 potential replacements for Sheen on "Two and a Half Men:"
Rob Lowe. Relation to Charlie Harper: cousin. Why him? Fine, he's out of the running. But the guy's got range. He recently went from playing a senator ("Brothers & Sisters") to a drug-and-danger loving actor ("Californication") Tiger blood relative seemed like a logical next step.
Jason Alexander. Relation to Charlie Harper: uncle. Why him? He really, really wants it. "Seinfeld's" erstwhile George Costanza posted a series of tongue-in-cheek tweets Monday saying he's willing to go the distance to embody Sheen.
"I will commence using cocaine in quantities large enough to challenge the national output of Columbia; fornicate with as many adult film actresses as I can afford," Alexander wrote, "commit assaults in four and five star hotels prior to trashing the hotel rooms; and finally strive to alienate and piss off not only my immediate bosses and superiors, but the entire film and television industry."
John Stamos. Relation to Charlie Harper: long lost (and better looking) best friend. Why him? He's played the bad boy in the family sitcom before. As "Full House's" Uncle Jesse, he inspired countless teenage girls to pursue relationships with pompadour-haired, motorcycle-riding crooners.
Plus, he was the first candidate to win Sheen's approval. After Sheen first that Stamos would be a "tragic joke" on the show, he dialed back his comments: "I was out of line and you're a beautiful man, and a talented man," Sheen said last week. "If you get the gig, we should talk."
Stamos, like Alexander, has joked about the prospect. "Contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men," he tweeted Feb. 25. "however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son."
Who Should Replace Sheen? Vote Below!
Woody Harrelson. Relation to Charlie Harper: pot dealer. Why him? Harrelson champions marijuana and has proven adept at playing a TV buffoon (see: "Cheers," "Will and Grace").While "Two and a Half Men" has never shown Harper explicitly using drugs, between his stints boozing on the beach, gambling and picking up women, it's reasonable to suspect that he at least bumped into a ganja-selling ne'er do well.
Matt LeBlanc. Relation to Charlie Harper: cousin. Why him? "Friends'" loveable Joey Tribiani needs a new hit show (which was the premise of "Episodes," the LeBlanc Showtime comedy that just wrapped its first season). His characters chronically love women. It follows that he could be from the more jovial side of Harper's gene pool.
Luke Perry. Relation to Charlie Harper: fellow Julliard classmate (Harper attended the prestigious music school but got kicked out). Why him? Perry played a brooding bad boy on "Beverly Hills, 90210." With a perpetual smirk on his face, he could pass for Harper's college crony.
Jeremy Piven. Relation to Charlie Harper: wingman. Why him? "Entourage" is ending. Piven needs a new home. On screen and in life, he's audacious enough to be the type of guy with whom Harper would want to go babe-hunting.
David Hasselhoff. Relation to Charlie Harper: uncle. Why him? Hasselhoff and Sheen have a lot in common, i.e., drunken benders caught on tape. It wouldn't be a shock if Hasselhoff were his uncle in real life.
Gary Busey. Relation to Charlie Harper: uncle. Why him? Like Hasselhoff, the reasons for this casting are grounded in reality. Busey's one of the few men in Hollywood whose quotes rival the nonsensical bombast of Sheen's.
Emilio Estevez. Relation to Charlie Harper: long lost half-brother. Why him? His last hit was "D3: The Mighty Ducks" in 1996. He guest-starred on an episode of "Two and a Half Men" in 2008. And, most significantly, he is Sheen's actual brother.