The erstwhile Brenda Walsh has a mission: to turn you into a badass.
That's assuming that you are a sniveling, self-loathing excuse of a woman, someone who probably wouldn't resonate with the actress who played the biggest, uh, other thing that starts with a "b" on "Beverly Hills, 90210" during the 1990s. But that's not exactly a concern of Shannen Doherty's. Laying out the laws of no-holds-barred existence is, and that's what she does in her newly released memoir/scrapbook/self-help tome, "Badass."
Doherty fans, pick this thing up: beyond the actress' tidbits of advice, there's a feast of personal photos that chronicle her journey from Tennessee tyke to TV star to Hollywood hostess. In addition, the 256-page opus includes recipes (Doherty claims to make a perfect roast chicken), handy charts, (how to tell if you're a badass or a b***h) and lots of rip-out-able, post-on-your-mirror pages with messages to amp up the attitude of even the most meek of specimens ("Badasses aren't born ... they become").
"Badass" also contains plenty of quips that, at times, might seem more appropriate coming out of the mouth of Kenny Powers or Tracy Morgan than a '90s teen queen. Ruminate on 10 of Doherty's most quotable nuggets of advice, below:
(Note: considering the title of Doherty's book, if you're offended by risque language, you probably don't want to read on.)
1. On maintaining a badass level of self confidence: "Have you ever watched a baby crawl around and explore the world? They're totally unreserved and lack self-consciousness. They're not thinking, 'Oh, no, I can't wear this onesie because it makes me look fat.'"
2. On how to score a badass-worthy boyfriend: "Test them. Be frumpy -- go without wearing makeup. Be late. Make them drive through the worst traffic to get to an event that you miss because you forgot the address or left your iPhone at home."
3. On avoiding hangers-on like a badass: "Imagine that you're a bird, and you're flying along, and then somebody totally lassoes you and ties you to the ground. You're flapping your friggin' wings, but you can't fly because they've got that rope holding you down. That's what cling-ons do to you -- they just ultimately hold you back from being yourself."
4. On solving family drama like a badass: "So what can you do if, say, your sister married the most annoying person on earth or your cousin's husband tells the same terribly tasteless joke every holiday? Nothing. That's right, I said nothing. These people are not your problem, and you're better off keeping your piehole shut if it means you get to enjoy your time with your siblings and family."
5. On the badass way to utilize research: "If you're in the middle of an argument and you are at a loss for words, you can always disarm the other party and give yourself more time to dream up the right comeback or decision by saying to them, 'You know what? I'd like to research that a little bit. So let me get back to you on that.' I use this technique all the time. I keep a post-it next to my phone that reads: 'Research!'"
6. On maintaining feminine allure while still being a badass: "How hard is it to shave your legs and armpits? Is it really just too much to go to the waxer once a month? And how hard is it to shut the bathroom door? Let me put it to you this way: If your boyfriend or husband casually sat on your face and let out the smelliest, loudest fart in the world, and then just got up as if it had never happened, and he did this regularly, would you still find him hot? No, you would not. So why on earth would he find you sexy when he can see and hear your bathroom habits? ... Why should he have sandpaper scraping his body all night in bed? Why should he wonder how he ended up with a gorilla instead of the beautiful woman he fell in love with? ... There is no excuse for not taking care of yourself."
7. On the badass approach to stalking a guy: "Most of the time I go with my friend Gary or my friend Roger. We have fun because we put on wigs and glasses, get bad magazines, and bring along food and drinks -- you know, the basic stakeout supplies. The key is to never get caught, and if you do, to have an excuse for why you are at his house: a basket of cookies, soup if he claimed to be 'sick' -- anything that can somewhat justify why your crazy ass is down the street from his house."
8. On the badass going out motto: "Just ask yourself, 'What would Princess Grace do?' and you pretty much have the game plan on how to behave like a first-class badass when you're out in a bar or at a restaurant."
9. On how to party like a badass: "You may be a woman who is not a great dancer. That's cool. But if you're an authentic badass gal who is a bad dancer, I know people aren't going to find you sitting on the sidelines at the next family wedding or office holiday party. Hell, no -- you'll be out there on the dance floor, having the time of your life. Have no fear, no stress. You're just out there making up dance moves that no one else in the world has ever seen before."
10. On the badass way to get out of a traffic ticket: "Here's the thing: police officers have a very hard job and are constantly putting themselves in danger on the front lines, and I believe they deserve an enormous amount of respect. They are simply doing their jobs and keeping us safe, so please try to be kind and respectful. That being said, here a few excuses you can try: 1. I just started my period and have to get home for a tampon now! 2. I have diarrhea and can't hold it. 3. My husband (or boyfriend) is to blame 4. I am an idiot -- so sorry."