Bethenny Frankel's Journey to a 'Place of Yes'


You can't do it because you don't know how. You're too overwhelmed. The noise in your own head is too loud. As much as you want to change things, noise is the elephant in the room that makes something achievable into something seemingly impossible.

Noise tells you to eat a bag of cookies when you are trying to lose weight. It tells you not to ask for a raise because your boss will laugh at you or tell you that you don't deserve it. It tells you that you won't ever be in shape enough to be seen at the gym so you might as well not bother exercising at all. It tells you that nobody good will ever fall in love with you. It convinces you that you are predetermined to live the life your parents are leading or led, or that you will never live up to what they expect, or that you can't really be who you want to be. Noise convinces you that you don't really deserve love, that you will never make enough money to stop worrying, or that you are just one of those people who can't be happy. Noise bullies you until it gets its way. In fact, if you feel bullied by other people, you are probably actually being bullied by your own noise, which can make you feel like a victim.

I'll never forget the night I was lying in bed with Jason discussing our future. We didn't agree about everything we wanted in our lives, so I immediately thought that meant we had no future. I hadn't yet learned that two people can build goals together, and that our desires can evolve. Before I met him, I had almost given up — I had assumed that I could have some of the things I wanted, but not all of the things I wanted. I had come to terms with the idea that my career came first so that was what I would get — a great career. Maybe I would find a way to have a baby and raise it myself. I was resigned. Even after meeting him, I didn't think I could have it all.

So even when Jason told me that he wanted a commitment and a family, I didn't consider that as a real option for me. It seemed impossible. I couldn't believe it.

My noise was wrong — as noise always is.

Noise comes out of past experiences where you were hurt or scared or just didn't learn how to believe in yourself. It can start from one comment someone made to you years ago that you believed, or it can come out of years of abuse or neglect. Noise makes you give up, settle, accept less than you wanted, or never try for the thing you want the most.

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