Excerpt: The Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend

While fans may be used to seeing Felicity Huffman act "desperate" as she plays the character Lynette Scavo, she recently teamed with movie producer Patricia Wolff to write a guide for guys who want to become good boyfriends (and the women who want to transform them). The following is an excerpt of "A Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend: for Every Guy Who Wants to Be One, for Every Girl Who Wants to Build One."

We take pleasure in presenting to you, the men of America, this first edition of "A Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend." Whether you're a good guy or a bad boy, single or attached, you will find this an indispensable guide to your girlfriend or girlfriend-to-be. You'll also find it an essential collection of ideas, information and assorted survival skills that will surely come in handy.

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Think of this as your AAA guide to love, a decoder ring, a relationship road map, and your very own GPS -- Girlfriend Positioning System. We'll steer you toward the right turns and help you avoid the wrong ones so that you don't ever have to change a flat in A Town Called Lame, population one. In addition to offering interesting recipes for the holidays (OK, not really), this book will give tasty tips on the following:

How to apologize without really apologizing

How to look like you're listening while you're thinking about other things (maintain eye contact at all times, but if busted, repeat the phrase "You're so pretty, I'm distracted")

How to tell if her "no" means "yes," or her "yes" means "no"

How to avoid long phone conversations

How to survive her driving

How to buy the last-minute present

How to charm the pants off of her (literally)

How to avoid talking about your "feelings"

How to pretend you have "feelings"

How to pretend you're deep

How to talk dirty (a beginner's guide)

How to convince her farting in bed is a sign of your commitment

How to have sex without intimacy (oops, forgot who we were talking to; never mind).

You may think that you're the first guy to try to understand women and come up empty-handed, but you're not. Men have been scratching their heads about the fairer sex since the beginning of time.

Think of the first boyfriend, Adam. You think he wasn't baffled by his girlfriend? You bet he was. Now, there's a guy who could have used this book. You may not think he needed it -- after all, he was alone in paradise, had some snacks, and Eve was already naked. But we beg to differ.

Their problems weren't over money, getting out of dinner with her parents, or his addiction to online poker. No, their issues revolved around a small piece of red fruit. God said, "Don't eat it." Eve said, "If you love me you'll bite." The poor guy had God on one side and Eve on the other; talk about a rock and a hard place. Adam tried to reason with his girl, warning her of the dangers of breaking the one rule God had made, but she wouldn't listen. From her point of view it wasn't about the apple or God (she wasn't hungry and had never even met the Big Guy in the sky), it was about whether her boyfriend took her seriously and understood her feelings. Sound familiar? In her mind, Adam was trying to control her … again. Talk about a power trip. Who died and left him in charge? There he was telling her what to eat, what not to eat, and by the way, was this "don't eat the apple" thing his way of letting her know he thought she was fat? Great.

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