In 1995, the New York Times was enthusiastically reporting on the move away from mankind's greatest invention by homeowners "fed up with overdevelopment, contaminated ground water, and overflowing septic tanks"—but evidently not fed up with living on top of their own excrement. These homeowners were creating environmentally friendly ways to keep their excrement close to them. They created miniature wetlands in their backyards, solar toilets, or composting toilets. Only recently have advocates of nonflush toilets begun to recognize their product's central shortcoming, which is the natural human aversion to the "routine emptying of excrement from the toilets."
Instead of the organic method of living in your own excrement, most people prefer the inorganic method of flushing it away from themselves. Consequently, the federal government has done the next best thing for the official state religion, which is to make it a felony to replace a 1.3-gallon toilet bowl with an old-fashioned 7-gallon toilet bowl—or as we call it, "a working toilet."
The whole purpose of living in your own excrement is to save . . . water. Water. Liberals are worried we're going to run out of something that literally falls from the sky. Here's an idea: Just wait. It will rain. Every possible personal use of water combined—steam baths, swimming pools, showers, toilets, and kitchen sinks—amounts to less than 10 percent of all water usage. Agricultural use accounts for about 70 percent of water usage and industrial use more than 20 percent. But again in 2003, the Greens were calling flush toilets "an environmental disaster." They want us to go to the bathroom outdoors because, you know, we're animals.
Question: Are liberals clueless about waste management? Answer: Do bears crap in the woods? Liberals have fervently believed that humans are a blight on the Earth since Thomas Malthus penned "An Essay on the Principle of Population" in 1798. Like the flushless toilet, it's an idea that won't die. In the 1970s, Paul Ehrlich wrote the best-selling book The Population Bomb, predicting global famine and warning that entire nations would cease to exist by the end of the twentieth century—among them, England. "[I]t is now too late," he wrote, "to take action to save many of those people." In 2001—despite the perplexing persistent existence of England—the Sierra Club listed Ehrlich's Population Bomb as among its books recommended by Sierra readers.
How many trees had to be chopped down to make the paper for all those copies of The Population Bomb?
Liberals beatify health, no-smoking, camping, non–fossil-fuel travel, organic foods—all while creating exotic new diseases in pursuit of polymorphous perversity. Don't be confused by your capacity for reason! We're just apes. A chief ingredient of the liberal religion is the bestialization of humanity. So on one hand, we have to give up SUVs, snowmobiles, and indoor plumbing, but on the other hand, at least we get the funky bestial behavior. (Including actual bestiality— keep reading!)
They believe in the coarse physical appropriation of women by men—hookups, trophy wives, strip clubs. Through movies, magazines, and TV, liberals promote a cult of idealized beauty that is so extreme as to be unimaginable. We must listen to Hollywood airheads like Julia Roberts and George Clooney because they are beautiful.
Today's worship of physical perfection is more grotesque than Hitler's notion of the Aryan.