I have my reasons, real or imagined (we'll see), for approaching this "carpooling thing" with apprehension.
For one thing, I'm not a "morning person"…never have been, never will be. As much as I love my wife and children, I don't do a whole lot of speaking to them in the morning, and they've learned not to expect it. The last thing I need is some young whippersnapper going on and on about this great new alternative literary newsletter he found, or this really great off-off-off-off-Broadway play that he read about, and I certainly don't want to hear about the Red Sox being in first place.
Having grown up just outside New York City, and being a lifelong Yankees fan, if I have to hear about the Sawks winning The Series, I'm bringing the minivan, and that's not a threat, that's a promise.
Plus, what about my freedom, my precious freedom? What if I want to wake up late and take my time going into work? What if I want to drive around at lunch looking at upscale properties to purchase and don't have my car? What if I want to sing along to my Robert Goulet Christmas CD even though it's July?
OK, those things probably aren't going to happen (well, maybe the Goulet thing, but that's only because he was a musical genius), but still…my "freedom" is at risk. Lastly, I can't say why, but I can't shake this feeling that Trevor's car is going to smell weird…mark my words. I hear he has some generic Oldsmobuick (in the words of Fletch), so I'm concerned.
But, since I'm always telling my kids to "just try it, if you don't like it you don't have to do it again," I suppose I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't give carpooling a shot. In the spirit of eco-friendliness, saving cash, and sharing this important social experiment with the world, I will forge on.
I'm not sure of carpooling etiquette, but first thing I'm planning on doing is handing Trevor a guidebook: Rules for Driving with Me in the Morning. I just can't take any chances.
1) Please don't speak to me, it's neither required, nor wanted.
2) If you should happen to speak to me or ask me a question, please don't be offended if I don't answer or just grunt back. Or, be offended…your choice.
3) Don't touch the radio.
4) Don't touch the climate controls.
5) Don't eat in my car. I have enough problems with my kids eating in the car and shooting juiceboxes all over the place. Plus, you're probably one of those weirdos that eats soup for breakfast.
6) Don't comment on my driving, as comments are neither welcomed nor responded to.
7) Don't look at your watch every two minutes, I'll get you there on time.
8) Don't bring a bunch of bags, changes of clothes, books, etc. You're not moving in, and bringing all your "baggage," emotional or otherwise, will decrease my gas efficiency.
9) Don't sing along with anything on the radio or CD. This isn't a campfire, Junior.
10) Sit back and enjoy the flight, ETA to Cartus Corporation: 45 minutes, thank you for flying Just Sit There and Shut Your Piehole Airlines.
By TREVOR MACOMBER, Corporate Writer, Cartus Corp.