Dick Cheney Gets in Touch With His Inner Diva

March 24, 2006 — -- If you're a big-time movie actor or pop star, you always get a plush suite at a first-class hotel. It comes with the territory.

But any celeb worth his weight in Snackwells will not do any event without a rider, which spells out in precise detail how the hotel room must be outfitted to make the celebrity happy.

News reports say, for example, that in addition to an all-white room, Jennifer Lopez desires hotel sheets made of Egyptian cotton with a minimum thread count of 250.

Mariah Carey requests a special attendant standing by to hand her a towel.

Past riders for Britney Spears have demanded red Altoids, Doritos, General Foods International Coffee, Froot Loops, Captain Crunch, and Pop Tarts.

Rapper Busta Rhymes gets Moet champagne, a bucket of KFC, and ribbed condoms.

Christina Aguilera's rider demands Oreos, soy cheese, Flintstones chewable vitamins, and dried cranberries.

Madonna wants total darkness, apparently so she can see the stars out the window.

But this rider, uncovered by the sleuths at The Smoking Gun Web site, is for a different kind of celebrity, someone who doesn't have the reputation of being a pampered princess.

It's the rider for Vice President Dick Cheney.

His rider is modest but with very specific demands. His bed has to be at least queen-size, if not king-size. The thermostat should be set to 68 degrees, no more, no less. He requires a carafe of decaf coffee brewed prior to arrival and waiting, and four cans of diet caffeine-free Sprite. The television should be set on the Fox News Channel. He wants four bottles to six bottles of water and a container of ice, and the ice maker's location. If his wife is around, there should be two bottles of sparkling Perrier. He's no Madonna -- all the lights must be turned on.

There are just a few more simple requests -- some newspapers, including The New York Times, which once called Cheney the Britney Spears for middle-aged white men.

Of course, Britney Spears hasn't had four heart attacks, so she can still request Cool Ranch Doritos on her rider.