Book Excerpt: George Carlin

May 10 -- The following is an excerpt from the book Napalm and Silly Putty by George Carlin.

Buy your copy of George Carlin's new book here.

THE NOONTIME NEWS

In Rome today, Pope John Paul removed his little hat and revealed he has a small map of Tombstone, Arizona, tattooed on his head.

Out at the lake in City Park, police have arrested a one-armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.

Authorities say a severely disturbed geography teacher has shot and killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. He is still at large and they remind everyone the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.

A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.

A Detroit couple is suing Campbell's soups, claiming a bowl of alphabet soup spelled out an obscene message to their children. They state that at first the little letters floated around in a circle, and then they formed the words suck my noodle.

Millionaire clothing executive Dacron Polyester died in his sleep yesterday. It was not a peaceful death, however, as he dozed off while hang-gliding.

A large dog exploded on a downtown street corner this morning. No one was killed; however, several people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that more than 600 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.

A woman in Montana was severely injured yesterday when she attempted to force-breast-feed a wolverine.

A man wearing a Have a Nice Day button was killed yesterday by a man who works at night.

The Centers for Disease Control has determined that the common cold is caused by a tall man who carries around a bag of germs.

Twenty-six people were killed this morning when two funeral processions collided. Police say the list of fatalities does not include the two people who were already dead.

The Mafia has killed an information clerk because he knew too much. His replacement, appointed today, says he has no further information.

In San Francisco, a baby has been born wearing sunglasses and holding a small can of peas.