Oh, snap! Football's getting crazy fast

The best goofy ad was, for the second consecutive year, a miniature Dodge Ram pickup driving across the bronzed skin of a bathing beauty. The best editorial-content goofy scenes were a nearly naked Kate Upton floating in zero gravity and model Emily DiDonato in a string bikini riding a Saint Bernard at the Matterhorn.

Carmelo Anthony Wishes He Were Paid by the Shot: There were 242 field goal attempts -- a shot every 12 seconds -- in the NBA All-Star Game.

At Least the Skating Suits Didn't Catch Fire: After the team performed poorly early at Sochi, U.S. speed skaters ditched the high-tech suits developed by Under Armour and Lockheed Martin. The latter is the world's largest defense contractor, currently pushing for what would be history's richest defense contract -- $400 billion to produce the F35 fighter. The project has been plagued by technical faults; in July, F35s were grounded after one caught fire on the runway. If Lockheed Martin can't design a skating suit, why should taxpayers feel confident handing the company $400 billion?

Rating the Sochi Opening Outfits: Your columnist liked the outfits of Andorra (the perfect Christmas sweater), Germany (nice to see Germans looking cheerful rather than threatening), Lithuania (overpowering urge to drink a Sprite) and the Russian Federation and Ukraine (both "in happier days," as the saying goes). Greece's rainbow-fingered gloves were awesome. On the downside, France's athletes were dressed like oil-rig workers, Japan's like lab technicians, the Czech Republic's like fur trappers.

The USA's Ralph Lauren apparel was overdone and fussy. Yet the sweaters sold out in 24 hours at $595 each, and within a week even the $95 reindeer hat was sold out. Speculators who snapped up the USA apparel have been asking three times list price on eBay. If the Andorran sweater were for sale, I'd buy one.

Next Week: I'm back and I'm bad! Well, I'm back. The announcement of ESPN Grade, plus TMQ's AFC preview.

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