It Isn't Easy Being the Commish

Just a few years ago, he was the coolest commish in the game, down like four slashed tires. Then after the Sprewell incident, David Stern started to change.

The latest info coming out of the NBA is that Stern -- in light of the murder of Denver Broncos defensive back Darrent Williams -- is going to create a list of clubs and spots in NBA cities that players will be forbidden to go to during the season. If they are spotted at those spots, they'll be fined ... big time.

Public opinion: OK, now he's gone too far. He might be approaching G.W. Bush's approval ratings.

How can we save David Stern? By creating another one. An alter ego. One based on the commish we wish he was, one that he probably is when he's around his crew but can't display in public.

So in honor of Lil' Penny, Mars Blackmon, and Thirst, we decided to invent the other David Stern: aka DJS. One who is totally in touch with the players in his league; one who rocks Sean John suits, instead of Armani; one who would have Talib Kweli perform at All-Star halftimes instead of Cowboy Troy; one who seems more concerned with being Robin Hood instead of robbin' the hood.

Q: DJS ... Can I call you DJS

DJS: Mr. DJS is cool.

Q: OK, DJS, as commissioner of the NBA your job is to do what?

DJS: Make sure that the league remains attractive to the global audience and businesses that I feel have our best interest at heart.

Q: That's PC and all, but there have been a lot of things that have happened over the last few years that have made many people question your allegiance to the players. All these years everyone thought you were down, that you understood the hood, but as of late, it's like all of a sudden you turned Omarosa on the league.

DJS: You got it severely twisted. Every action I make is for the betterment and protection of this league, homey. Maybe you couldn't comprehend what I was trying to present to your mind when I said "for those that I feel have our best interest at heart." In other words, I shape this league for those who I feel got my back.

Q: So giving Melo 15 games? Who had your back on that?

DJS: That was for the Knicks. They feel that I screwed them over on the Larry Brown thing so I figured not taking Isiah to task for sending out a "hit" and suspending the Nuggets players more than I did the Knicks players would get me squared with them. NY has always had my back. Bloomberg!!! Sorry. I do that every now and then.

Q: I get it. But what about all of the other things. Let's go down the line: the age limit.

DJS: Well, I had to do something about that. It was straight gettin' outta hand. LeBron's a nice kid and all and he can ball, but dude, let's be real, it started to get to a point where cats who weren't averaging 15-a-game in places like Jersey – no disrespect, East Rutherford – and Backwater, Florida, were coming into the league straight after prom. Now I'm the last person to knock the next man's hustle, but not on my watch!

Q: But at some point don't you think your mandate is punishing the kids instead of the ones who should be punished, the owners who were damn near forcing these kids to come out by drafting them so high and so frequently?

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