Funnies: The Year's Best

A roundup of the late-night comics.

Jimmy Kimmel Live (5/14/06)

Jimmy Kimmel: I don't like the government keeping track of my phone calls. And I'll tell you another thing. When I got home last night, this is a weird thing, Dick Cheney was sitting on my bed reading my diary.

The Tonight Show (6/11/06)

Jay Leno: Hey, did you see what happened? This weekend, a person was caught trying to jump over the White House fence after throwing a package over it. Turns out it was just Hillary Clinton with carpet samples. But it was scary, scary for a minute there.

Late Night (10/8/06)

Conan O'Brien: Earlier this week -- true story -- Bill O'Reilly did a piece about Mark Foley. This was the graphic. [graphic reads "Mark Foley (D-FL)"] Check it out. It said, "Foley, Democrat, Florida." The problem is, Mark Foley is not a Democrat. He's a Republican. … I assume it was a mistake. But I looked into it, and apparently this kind of mislabeling has happened on Fox News before. Take a look.

[video of Nixon resignation address with the graphic, "Richard Nixon (D), Wash D.C."]

President Nixon: I shall resign the presidency, effective at noon tomorrow.

[video of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il with the graphic "Kim Jong Il (D), North Korea"]

Voiceover: The regime of Kim Jong Il is a much more immediate danger.

[video of Michael Jackson with the graphic "Michael Jackson (D), California"]

Michael Jackson: I have been forced to submit to a dehumanizing and humiliating examination.

The Tonight Show (2/19/06)

Leno: Oh man, what a nightmare I had last night. Kev, I had a nightmare.

Kevin Eubanks: Really, what's up, man?

Leno: Oh, man, I dreamed I was at a Washington party, I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home. It was a nightmare.

Jimmy Kimmel Live (2/19/06)

Kimmel: I read kind of a sad study today.  It said that single women, I don't want to bum you out … but, single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president than to find a husband.

Late Show (7/31/06)

David Letterman: Earlier today, former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Sen. Joe Lieberman. Clinton got the crowd so worked up that they had trouble sleeping through the Lieberman speech.

The Late Late Show (11/12/06)

Craig Ferguson: With the Democratic victories in Congress, Nancy Pelosi, she becomes the speaker of the House, which makes her the most powerful woman in America. … She is third in line for the presidency. So the line of the presidency now goes Cheney, Cheney, Pelosi. That's how it works.

The Daily Show (11/5/06)

Jon Stewart: Still in the tossup column, Virginia -- with Macaca Goldstein versus the He-man Woman Haters Club. And Tennessee, where a GOP ad accused Democrat Harold Ford of attending a Playboy Super Bowl party, drawing this angry retort.

Harold Ford [video]: I do like football and I do like girls.

Jon Stewart: That's Harold Ford, running for the high office of your college roommate.

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