Funnies: Turkey Tricks and Tom DeLay Dollars

Nov. 27, 2005 — --

Jay Leno: I'll tell you something: Because of this bird flu, you know what a lot of turkeys are doing this year so they won't be eaten? They're faking a cough.

David Letterman: Unbelievable: Over $100 million. The Harry Potter movie. That is crazy. That brought in more cash than a Tom DeLay barbecue.

Leno: Hey, did you see this on the news today? John Kerry has been picked for jury duty -- John Kerry, Massachusetts jury duty. He was elected jury foreman. He was elected foreman -- well, after two weeks of campaigning and spending $12 million of his wife's money. Well, but he got it.

Letterman: We're going into the audience here in the Ed Sullivan Theatre to play America's fastest growing quiz sensation -- know your current events. … Who realized this weekend they were in a nightmare situation with no hope for escape?
[Picture of President Bush in China trying to open a locked door]
Audience member: President George Bush.
Letterman: Nope. The American people. The American people.

Leno: There was a big controversy at CNN. Yesterday, while televising a speech by Vice President Dick Cheney, someone put an "X" over Cheney's face. It flashed on the screen and they felt it was done deliberately. Show it, just what happened. This is the actual footage.
[CNN image with "X" superimposed over Cheney]
Leno: Now, CNN said it was just a glitch. Some people think it was done on purpose. It is not the first time it happened. Show the first time it happened with Ted Kennedy.
[Footage of Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Mass., with "XXL" superimposed]
Leno: Show the Clinton one. Show the Clinton one.
[Footage of Bill Clinton with "XXX" superimposed]