Funnies: Iraq, Lawrence Welk

Dec. 25, 2005 — -- Jay Leno:Well, folks, it's now official. We've officially stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and as you know, we didn't find any. Well, thank God we found that out before we did anything crazy. Oh, man, imagine if we had gone in there, what a mess that would have turned into.

Jon Stewart: And nothing says dawn of a new era like a Lawrence Welk show regular interpreting the music of John Ashcroft. (video of man singing at the inauguration) Who could possibly be red state enough to enjoy that? (video of Hillary Clinton bobbing her head to the music) So she is running for president.

Conan O'Brien: Of course, you've all heard about this, yesterday "Newsweek" had to retract a story that suggested US interrogators flushed the Koran down a toilet and that story sparked riots around the world. So "Newsweek" had to say, you know, give a retraction. Yeah, a spokesperson for "Newsweek" said we didn't realize Muslim fanatics took their religion so seriously.

Jon Stewart: Of course, there have only been 109 Supreme Court justices in our history. It was a solemn occasion. The ceremony was marked by the pomp and, hey, what the hell? (video of Jack Roberts dancing at Bush's SCOTUS announcement) That's Roberts' wife Jane and two kids Josie and Jack. Jack, of course, is the one who appears to be on his way to losing the case of Family v. Ritalin. By the way, the next time you make fun of Bush for seeming to be distracted during a speech, keep in mind it's because dancing Jack is always there. At the State of the Union. (doctored picture of Jack dancing at State of the Union) Last year's debates. (another doctored picture of Jack Dancing at debates) Even when he went to the UN to make a case for war. (doctored picture of Jack dancing at UN) The kid loves to dance."

Craig Ferguson: I am a big fan of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Donny, I call him. He's an amazing guy. Some say he's a genius. And I'd be one of them. There is no doubt that he can solve some of the toughest puzzles around. Take a look at this. (video of Rumsfeld at a press conference)
Reporter: Secretary Rumsfeld, a story in "USA Today," yesterday, had an operation …" (video of Rumsfeld putting together a rubix cube)