Leno: "Well, folks, it's now official. We've officially stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and as you know, we didn't find any. Well, thank God we found that out before we did anything crazy. Oh, man, imagine if we had gone in there, what a mess that would have turned into."
Stewart: "And nothing says dawn of a new era like a Lawrence Welk Show regular interpreting the music of John Ashcroft. (video of man singing at the inauguration) Who could possibly be red state enough to enjoy that? (video of Hillary Clinton bobbing her head to the music) So she is running for president."
O'Brien: "Of course, you've all heard about this, yesterday Newsweek had to retract a story that suggested U.S. interrogators flushed the Koran down a toilet and that story sparked riots around the world. So Newsweek had to say, you know, give a retraction. Yeah, a spokesperson for Newsweek said, 'We didn't realize Muslim fanatics took their religion so seriously.'"
Stewart: "Of course, there have only been 109 Supreme Court justices in our history. It was a solemn occasion. The ceremony was marked by the pomp and, hey, what the hell? (video of Jack Roberts dancing at Bush's SCOTUS announcement) That's Roberts' wife Jane and two kids Josie and Jack. Jack, of course, is the one who appears to be on his way to losing the case of Family v. Ritalin. By the way, the next time you make fun of Bush for seeming to be distracted during a speech, keep in mind it's because dancing Jack is always there. At the State of the Union. (doctored picture of Jack dancing at State of the Union) Last year's debates. (another doctored picture of Jack Dancing at debates) Even when he went to the U.N. to make a case for war. (doctored picture of Jack dancing at U.N.) The kid loves to dance."
Craig Ferguson: "I am a big fan of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Donny, I call him. He's an amazing guy. Some say he's a genius. And I'd be one of them. There is no doubt that he can solve some of the toughest puzzles around. Take a look at this." (video of Rumsfeld at a press conference)
Reporter: "Secretary Rumsfeld, a story in USA Today yesterday had an operation ..." (video of Rumsfeld putting together a rubix cube)
Leno: "John Kerry is in New Orleans. You know, John Kerry wants to help. He just doesn't know how to connect with the common people, you know? That was his problem. He cannot connect with the common man and woman in the street. You see how he surveyed the damage along the coast? (Kerry shown windsurfing) Do you see what I mean? It's just the wrong way ... yeah."
Stewart: "We begin with our regular exercise in responsible medical journalism on the program, health scare. This week's panic, bird flu (b-roll of birds in Asia). The virus has killed over 60 people in Asia and has recently spread to birds in Russia and Europe. Experts fear it may soon mutate to a form more infectious to humans and if that happens ..."
Dr. David Nabarro (World Health Organization): "Let's say the range of deaths could be between 5 and 150 million."