McGreevey's Wife: 'It Can Happen to Anyone'
The Estranged Wife of the Former N.J. Governor Talks With Others About Gay Spouses
May 3, 2007 —
So many people think they should be able to see the signs.
But in a marriage where one spouse is gay and the other is straight, the latter is often the last to know. Dina Matos McGreevey realized that when her estranged husband, Jim McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey, announced he was gay in 2004.
On "Good Morning America," she sat down with women and men, including three from the Straight Spouses support group, to talk about whether someone can really know if their spouse is gay.
Though she heard rumors about her husband's homosexuality before he came out, Matos McGreevey never paid attention to them.
"When you're married to someone, whether it's a politician or someone in a powerful position, there's always innuendo, there's always rumors, and if you're going to chase after those rumors you're not going to do anything else," she said. "And if you're in a relationship, you trust that person, whether it's a marriage, or you're living with someone, otherwise why be in the relationship?"
Still, Elaine Bennett didn't understand how Matos McGreevey had failed to connect her husband's waning desire for her with his homosexuality. Matos McGreevey explained that she didn't think her husband was truly homosexual.
"Well, first of all, I don't think that he's simply gay. I think he's bisexual," she said. "He had two marriages. He had, you know, two children."
No Warning Signs, No Checklist
Carolyn Lowengart, who was married to her husband for 31 years before finding out he was gay, said that there were no warning signs and that no amount of instinct could help.
"There isn't a list," she said. "There isn't a list that you have 30 questions and you check off this and if the majority of answers are yes, then your spouse is gay. No."
Carol Silverman, who ended a 27-year-long marriage when her husband came out, said it was easy to pick up signals in hindsight. But once a spouse has embraced homosexuality, it's hard not to think of the future.
"If you look back, it's very clear," she said. "But going forward, you do your car pools and make your dinners. You go do what you have to do with the children."
Russell Chapman, whose wife left him for a woman after 12 years of marriage and two children, said it was hard to overcome the embarrassment of a spouse being gay. If his wife were with a man, it would be easier to fight for her love. He can't compete with a woman.
"With another woman, I don't have the right equipment," he said. "I don't have the right emotions. I couldn't compete. That was the hardest part for me."
Matos McGreevey agreed.
"If they leave you for another woman or another man, you think, well, you know, at some point they loved me," she said. "But when, you know, they leave you for someone of the same sex, you know, you have to acknowledge that the whole marriage was -- the whole relationship was a lie."
But Matos McGreevey didn't leave the mansion she and her husband shared immediately after he came out. She stayed with him for three months. Though some couldn't understand how Matos McGreevey could live in the same house as him, Lowengart said it was common for estranged spouses to take a while to pick up the pieces.
"The gay spouses had years to process this with men and women. They've gone through all of the stages. The straight spouse has it dropped on them, all of a sudden," she said. "It takes a long time to go through the same emotions that you would go through if there were a death in the family. You've got fear and anger and denial and isolation."
Fearing for Health and Her Daughter
With news that her husband had been having casual gay sex for years came fear for Matos McGreevey. She worried that if he were exposed to the AIDS virus, she and their daughter could be at risk.
"That was the scariest thing for me, thinking that I could have possibly been exposed to -- and exposed my daughter to -- this," she said. "I gave birth to her while this is going on. And that was, I think, what made me the angriest, that he could have possibly exposed me and my child."
Despite McGreevey's betrayal, some felt sorry for him. It's not easy to be gay in America, especially for a politician.
"I do feel sorry for him on some level, that his dreams were shattered," said Kim Hewson. "I don't think his method was right."
Lowengart said McGreevey should have been more courageous.
"He didn't have the courage of his convictions. There are many people who are gays and lesbians now in high political office who have succeeded," Lowengart said.
She also asserted that for spouses whose husbands or wives come out as gay, anger doesn't equate with homophobia.
"We are not homophobic," Lowengart said. "What we want is for gays and lesbians to accept who they are and be accepted by society."
For Matos McGreevey, telling the story of her failed marriage is helping her pick up the pieces. She hopes that she can one day forgive the former governor, if not for her sake, then for her daughter's. She also hopes that the American public accepts that she never knew about McGreevey's homosexuality, and understands that her horror could happen to anyone.
"I know that people have a difficult time accepting the fact that I didn't know. But I think a lot of that, for many people, is that they don't want to believe that it can happen to them," she said. "And it can happen to anyone."