Eyeball-Licking Ravages Japan. Are We Next?!

June 17, 2013— -- A new and strange compulsion is sweeping the nation of Japan. Oculolinctus -- known more commonly by the street names "Eyeball Licking" and "Worming" -- has given rise to a string of pink-eye cases in Japan as corrupted youths slide their bacteria-laden tongues across the eyeballs of their willing victims. We know this because a middle-school teacher said so, based on anecdotal evidence at one school.

Whether out of corporeal pleasure or a need for the internet's collective attention, eyeball-licking is so prevalent within a select group of young people with internet access that it has become the new rage in "is the new rage" stories for various news and entertainment outlets, many of whom focus on the fact that this fad is "peculiarly Japanese" in the vein of "bagelheading" (injecting saline into your forehead until it swells out of all proportion), yaeba (undergoing dental surgery to give you crooked teeth) and shippo (wearing a neurologically controlled tail that reveals your moods)" -- certainly, it is "Japan's craziest new fetish." And, as usual, music videos are to blame. Possibly.

This ocular pandemic mainly impacts teens, both current and reformed.

Here in the United States of America, we prefer to keep our fetishes wholesome and private. To that end, here are the first three in our series of PSAs against the perils of this menacing and quintessentially Japanese trend.

Keep our shores clear, our nasal cavities ever challenged, and our eyes unlicked!

You can do it, fellow Americans! The bald eagle cries for us. Resist the urge to lick those tears away.