— -- Wentworth Miller publicly came out as gay last month, and now he's discussing his struggle coming to terms with his identity.
"The first time I tried to kill myself I was 15. I waited until my family went away for the weekend and I was alone in the house and I swallowed a bottle of pills," Miller said in a speech at the Human Rights Campaign Dinner in Seattle on Saturday, according to a video obtained by TMZ.
"I don't remember what happened over the next couple days, but I'm pretty sure come Monday morning I was on a bus back to school pretending everything was fine," Miller said. "And when someone asked me if that was a cry for help, I say no, because I told no one. You only cry for help if you believe there's help to cry for and I didn't. I wanted out. I wanted to go. At 15."
Miller, 41, announced that he was gay in a letter to the St. Petersburg International Film Festival committee, in which he declined an invitation to be the guest of honor at their event. His reason?
"I am deeply troubled by the current attitude toward and treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government," he wrote. "The situation is in no way acceptable, and I cannot in good conscience participate in a celebratory occasion hosted by a country where people like myself are being systematically denied their basic right to live and love openly."
Now, Wentworth is being more forthcoming about his struggle to accept himself as a gay man, and the stress his identity caused him.
"Growing up I was a target. Speaking the right way, standing the right way, holding your wrist the right way. Every day was a test and there were a thousand ways to fail," he said. "A thousand ways to portray yourself. To not live up to someone else's standards of what was acceptable. ... And when you failed the test, which was guaranteed, there was a price to pay. Emotional. Psychological. Physical. And like many of you, I paid that price. More than once."