Former NFL Player Speaks Out on Being Gay

Oct. 30 -- Esera Tuaolo says his best football games were his worst nights.

Making the big play and being in the spotlight would fill the 6-foot-3 defensive lineman with fear. He was afraid that someone from his very private life would hear about his success, and would call the media, his coach, or — worse — his family, to reveal his secret.

The young man from Hawaii became the best defensive lineman in the Pacific-10 Conference at Oregon State, and was voted to the NFL's all-rookie team in 1991, when he played for the Green Bay Packers. But the pressure it brought on him led him to drink too much, to become deeply depressed and to even consider suicide.

It wasn't because of his success. It was because of his secret: Tuaolo is gay.

Two years after retiring from the NFL, the 34-year-old Tuaolo decided he needed to be upfront about his life, and would come out publicly. The effect has been liberating, he says.

"Actually, I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulder, but I jumped on the scale this morning and I'm still 310 pounds," Tuaolo said on ABCNEWS' Good Morning America. "It feels wonderful, it feels great."

A Lonely Feeling

It took many painful years for Tuaolo to talk about what he's thrilled to say today.

In his first interview about being gay, which aired Tuesday night on the HBO show Real Sports, the former player was asked if he ever wanted to say to his teammates "Hey guys, I'm gay."

"Oh, many times," said Tuaolo.

But he knew very well that there are no openly gay men in the gladiator culture of the National Football League. Tuaolo played nine years in the NFL as a defensive lineman before retiring two years ago. The whole time, he struggled, often turning to alcohol to ease the pain.

"Many times, when driving 100 miles per hour, I felt as if I could turn that wheel and end it all," Tuaolo said.

The former defensive lineman said thoughts of his mother, who raised two children by herself, and a book by former professional football player Dave Kopay stopped him from making a final escape.