California First Lady on Living Your Own Legacy

Oct. 23, 2007 — -- The following are excepts of California first lady Maria Shriver's emotional speech to the Women's Conference Oct. 23, 2007, about her spiritual journey to find who she is, and what she wants her legacy to be.

I want to say thank you to all of you today for showing up here today, showing up as yourselves, and making this day such a priority for all of you.

Because I gotta say, I love, I love, this conference and what it's become. I love the inspiration and the unity that just permeates this entire day.

Because I think it lets us know that we're a part of something bigger than us. It lets us know that we're not alone, that we're not isolated. It lets us know that we're part of a community of women everywhere. And it's what I mean when I talk about the power of we.

Because when we come together, we are powerful. We can believe, we can dream, we can connect. We can care and we can lead. And, at the end of the day, we all learn, sooner or later, it's not about me, it's not about you, it is what happens when we come together.

I wanted to start this morning by talking about the concept of gratitude because it's become such a powerful concept in my own life.

This year I have been starting and ending my day with a prayer of gratitude. Gratitude is the place where I renew my faith in God and my faith in myself as well. Because gratitude helps me center myself and focus on the big picture of life. In gratitude I'm able to acknowledge all of the love that I have in my life.

Flowing into my life and flowing out. It lets me see and feel the good in my life and that helps me to be gentle with myself. Because like so many of you I know all too well how to be hard on myself. And this conference is a perfect example of how I do that.

You know every year when I get ready -- this is my fourth year -- I sit down to write and I try to think about what all of you want me to talk about and I get literally paralyzed with fear because I think I have nothing new to say.

I think I've said everything I'm ever gonna say, and I couldn't possibly be interesting anymore, and I think I'm not gonna measure up, I won't fulfill your expectations.

I stress, I eat licorice, I stress some more, I eat Dots. Then I wipe out a bag of Swedish fish. Then I'm on a sugar high. It's an ugly sight, my kids will witness that.

Then I sit down and I start to write. And I start by writing in long hand, I write in my room. I write in my bathroom. I write in my office. I write early in the morning. I get up. I write late at night. I write on the Lifecycle, I write in airplanes -- everywhere.

I'm going around with a legal pad, writing, ripping it up, crumbling up and starting all over again. Over and over. Trying to figure out exactly what you, what you want from me. What do you expect from me.

I think to myself -- well, they probably want me to talk about my four years as first lady. And I sit back and think, nah, I've done that already, that can't be it. Then I think, oh, I should talk about Arnold because everywhere I go everybody wants to talk to me about Arnold. But then I thought -- well he's already going to be here, he'll talk for himself. I don't have to talk about Arnold. Sometimes I do, but not today.

Then I think to myself, okay, you probably want me to talk about what it was like to grow up as a Kennedy, or live in the world headquarters of Team Shriver. What it was like when my mom invited dozens and hundreds of special Olympians over to play in our backyard. Or my dad was inviting peace corps volunteers over for dinner. Then I think, nah, that can't be it either, I don't think that's it.

Then I say: wait a minute. I bet you want me to talk about how a Democrat can stay married to a Republican for all these years.

Then I say to myself: that's a book! You're not getting that for free! No way. That's a book, a big book.

Then I say to myself, okay, if it's not the first lady-Kennedy-Shriver-Schwarzenegger thing, it must be the television thing.

You want me to talk about what it was like to work with Tom Brokaw or Katie Couric at NBC News. But then I think, hey, none of us are at NBC News anymore so it can't be that. I can't be talking about that.

Then I say okay, Maria, I know. They want you to talk about the issues of the day. Like many of you, I have very strong opinions on everything from health care reform to same sex marriage. From the death penalty to the war in Iraq. So just as I was starting to write all that up, this happened. Which of course changed everything.

I went into Starbucks, I go into Starbucks -- thank you for your sponsorship Starbucks. I went into Starbucks one morning and I go and order my espresso over ice, four shots. Four kids, four shots of espresso to get through the day.You can identify with that.

And this woman comes up to me all excited. And she goes, "Oh Miss Kennedy, Miss Kennedy can I speak with you. Oh, excuse me! Miss Kennedy-Shriver," she stammers.

And I'm standing there with my espresso and she goes, "Oh, oh, I mean, Mrs. Kennedy, Mrs. Governor, Mrs. First Lady. Oh oh, I just really don't know what to call you. It's all such a mouthful. I don't know what to call you!"

I said, "Tell me about it. It's a mouthful." I said, "Why don't you call me Maria?" And she said, "Oh, okay, Mrs. Kennedy-Governor, can I just ask you, like, one thing?"

And I said, "Yeah." And she said, "I love you, I love your whole family, I've always wanted to meet you so I could ask you just one thing."

And I said, wow this woman's wanted to meet me her whole life to ask me one thing. What could that be? And I said, "Go ahead. Ask me."

And she leaned in and she said, "What's it like to be friends with someone as famous as Oprah?"

True story. True story.

I was like, okay. That's okay. Arnold-Kennedy-Shriver-Oprah. I'll have another shot of espresso, it's okay, I'm cool.

It was funny, you know. But overtime, as I was walking to my car and afterwards, it actually became kind of a profound experience to me.

Because it made me realize, as long as I was trying to anticipate what you wanted from me, as long as I was trying to fulfill other people's expectations, I was in a losing game. A game that I'd been playing since I was a kid. In fact, a dear friend said to me, Maria, you have a choice right now in your life.

You can spend the rest of your life trying to measure up, trying to figure out what other people expect from you and trying to fulfill their expectations of you. Or, right now, you can make a decision to let all that go. And you can start talking about what you feel, what you know, and what you think.

And that was one of those whoa moments for this people-pleasing, legacy-carrying, perfection-seeking good girl. That was a news bulletin.

So that's what I want to focus on this morning as I speak to you. Letting go of other people's expectations of you so you can own your own life, write your own story, and live your own legacy.

Now I know that's much easier said than done, believe me, I know that.

Because when I walked out of this convention center last year I thought I had a perfect plan for how to just that. I said to myself, I'll work hard to get Arnold re-elected, I'd help him stage an impressive inauguration launching his second term. And then I would finally, finally, get back to the business of being a globetrotting, money-earning, hard driving network journalist named Maria Shriver.

Remember her, remember her? Well, I barely could. I had dumped her by the wayside four years ago when Arnold became Governor and I knew I needed to go back and reclaim her. Why? Because I was lost.