EXCERPT: 'My Footprint,' by Jeff Garlin

PHOTO The cover of the book "My Footprint" by Jeff Garlin is shown.

Comedian Jeff Garlin, known for his role on HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm," has penned a memoir about his journey to lose weight and cut his carbon footprint.

Click here for more on Jeff Garlin's struggle to lose weight.

Below is an excerpt of the book.

Chapter One

God bless my wife, she always calms me down. As I'm looking through our mail this morning, she says, "You're going to see something you're not going to like." And I say, "Really? What?" She pauses, gives me a knowing look, and says, "Just use it in your comedy." I start thumbing through the mail. I have received a catalog from the good people at Living XL. It's a catalog for fat people who want to stay fat and enjoy themselves. The message is, basically, "Don't lose weight. No, no, no. All the problems that you normally have with being fat -- we've got a solution." How do they know to send me a catalog? Do they have a list of fat celebrities?

Jeff Garlin: Im a Food Addict
Jeff Garlin: I'm a Food Addict

I open it up. The first product on offer is a three-wheel bike with a five-hundred- pound capacity. As I look at this contraption, I'm wondering how many five-hundred-pound people are sitting around -- well, they are obviously sitting or maybe lying around -- but how many of them are sitting around thinking, I so want to go biking. I just don't have the opportunity. I weigh 450. If only there was a bike that could hold my weight. Then I'd have no excuse.

Next up, fat ponchos. Because we know the regular poncho is so slimming. Has anyone ever put on a poncho and said, "This is not freeing enough?" I guess the only way this thought would cross your mind is if you're a really fat woman and you're wearing a muumuu underneath your oversized poncho. Poncho and muumuu, sounds like a new cop show.

VIDEO: Comedian offers a behind-the-scenes peek at his struggle not to pig out.
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The next page features a lawn mower–handle extender. I don't know what that has to do with being fat. Wait a second; it must be to allow extra room for your stomach! That's probably it.

Now how about one of those chairs you bring to a kid's soccer game, except this one's got an eight-hundred-pound capacity. How many eight hundred pounders do you see out in society? It must be for a four-hundred pounder, who's got a four-hundred-pound girlfriend who wants to sit on his lap. How about a 650-pound-capacity sand chair. How many 650-pound people do you see at the beach? Do you ever? No! They're at home. They can't leave.

Jeff Garlin's Weight-Loss Saga

What else? Okay, here's a hammock with a six-hundred-pound capacity. Now, I don't care what you weigh, getting on and off a hammock is quite difficult. I don't care if you weigh 150, hammock mobility is hard for everyone. So you're six hundred pounds. The odds of you getting on that hammock are so slight. You're going to be on the ground. You're six hundred pounds -- once you do get on you're never getting off. So it's good that it supports your weight, because you're never getting up again.

Let's see here, next is the big key computer keyboard. Because Lord knows, your fingers are so fat, a typical computer keyboard's not going to work for you.

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