How To Be Latino: A Handy Guide for Terrorists in Training

PHOTO: A teachers work is never done.Getty/American Stock Archive
A teacher's work is never done.

Earlier this week, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) told CSPAN's Washington Journal that this week's Boston Marathon bombing may be part of the larger debate on immigration reform, despite the current lack of information about a suspect. "We know Al Qaeda has camps on the Mexican border," he explained."We have people that are trained to act Hispanic when they are radical Islamists."

Gohmert's claims are based in nice fluffy nothingness. Sure, there have been fears of a Hezbollah presence in Venezuela dating back to 2008, and ongoing and often sketchy speculation about the possibility of Al Qaeda launching some sort of biological attack via Mexico, but training would-be terrorists to "act" Latino? How would that even work?

But then we found this super official* top secret list:

How to Be Latino: A Handy Guide For the Modern Terrorist

- Laugh good-naturedly over "chancleta" jokes, even if you were never spanked.

- Have an opinion about Sofia Vergara, and be prepared to defend it on Twitter.

- Do not watch telenovelas. That's for your grandmother. ["Abwela."]

- Are you "Latino" or "Hispanic"? Decide now, then discuss your decision at length on Tumblr.

- Know that "chipotle mayo" has no business being on a Cuban sandwich, no matter what any bistro tries to tell you.

- "Cheese quesadilla" is redundant. Practice arching one (1) eyebrow when encountering this on a menu.

- Iron Beer. Materva. Jupiña. Know them. Drink them. Love them.

- Ponder how Don Francisco has managed not to age in 50+ years.

- Quick: Frijoles or habichuelas? Porotos or habas? Choose your alliance now.

- This is what childhood tastes like. (And, fine. Adulthood, too.)

- Finally, remember: There is nothing -- from a stuffy nose to diabetes -- that Vicks VapoRub can't cure.

You guys. They're onto us.

*This is totally made-up